i am velcro

"Ambivalence is a state of conflicting emotions at the same time related to the same object, idea or person (for example, feeling both love and hatred for someone or something). The term is also commonly used to refer to situations where 'mixed feelings' of a more general sort are experienced or where a person feels uncertainty or indecisiveness concerning something. a person's everyday 'mixed feelings' may easily be based on a quite realistic assessment of the imperfect nature of the thing being considered.

One common saying which entertains the young mind is, 'Me, ambivalent? Well yes and no'."

ambivalance is a big word. a big word that translates into an immediate and immeasurable amount of stress in my life. i am an ambivalant mess.

but oddly enough the Bible says that God is at peace with conflicting emotions. He loves us and hates our sin. He is both God and man. at the same time. and it doesn't stress Him out.

i am yearning for perfection on this side of heaven and i'm never gonna get it. and it forever leaves me ambivalant. as if my personal dissatisfaction can change the world in this way...and create instant perfection...all because of me and my needs.

if i only had eyes to see that this world is not the point. if i only had eyes to see that my comfort is not "it". if i only had eyes to see nothing but my Father and what He wants me to do. not others. just me. and if i had the courage to look at that.

because i really want to see the world like this, satisfied with this imperfect earth...and then again i don't. inside i kinda want it to be enough. i want to find a little peice of perfection here. and i am uneasy with life until i can make sense of these opposite pulls.
imagine that. me, ambivalent? yes and no...

the picture at the top of the blog is a picture of velcro. amivalant velcro. the two sides of this velcro are being pulled apart. one side is holding on and one side is letting go. the consequence is the awful crackling sound that velcro makes when the two opposing forces inevitably end in the seperation. today i feel like this velcro. i feel two things so strongly that they are painfully seperating my life into stress. and unhappiness. and it's almost like i can hear that crackily sound too:) i stubbornly insist on the pulling apart. and yet velcro serves such a great purpose when it is together. not so much when it is being pulled apart. why then can i not just be comfortable feeling both things. being both ways?