waiting by the phone

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...

i'm expecting a phone call from the dr. today. today they are supposed to tell me something--ANYTHING! about what is going on with my body.

eric and i have been trying to get pregnant for about 2 and a half years now.

that's a long time...and alot of negative pregnancy tests.

today they are supposed to call and tell me something technichal about whether or not i am producing the right amount of hormones to sustain life.

so i went and saw my dr. 2 weeks ago about this fertility issue. she smiled sweetly upon my departure and cheerfully told me to start taking prenatal vitimins because "hopefully next time we meet we will have a pregnancy". i wanted to believe her but 2 and a half years is a long time

...a long time...and alot of baby showers.

don't know exactly what i want to hear when phone finally rings today. don't know what news would be better...and what would be worse. i think the worst news that they could give me is that they don't know what's wrong...becuase that's where i've been for two years and it sucks!

i feel so cynical about this whole thing. and cynisism is a new one for me. i think my cynisism is a big ol' mask for my fears. my deep, dark, fear that this is what i deserve. this this is some kind of divine punishment for my sins. punishment for my first pregnancy. a pregnancy that i didn't want. a pregnancy that shouldn't have happenned. a pregnancy that i at one time i wished never happenned...i wished it...i wanted it to go away...i wanted her to go away...ah, the guilt...

well, it sure feels like punishment--this waiting on a phone call. i wonder what they will say...i wonder what i will say...or do...

i want to say mean things to God right now.
things like,

WHY???
what do you think are you doing?
is being on birth control the only way i can get pregnant? or was that just a little joke that you played on me?
why when i was in college, chasing dreams?
and why not now? when i have a house, a ring and even a room!?!
WHY and WHY NOT?!?

my thoughts and feelings are out of control...i know. but i'm feeling them just the same. what good would it do to ignore them? i must own them in this moment...and then pass them on to bigger more capable hands. can He handle it?!? can i? can i handle handing it all over???

i'm staring at the phone...waiting...for it to ring...with some news...any news.