simplicity meets complexity

so, big step forward.

yup. i know finally, right?!?

last night my husband was being very patient with me--answering questions and talking about the stuff going on inside of me and i started rememebering the details of the night i found out about the affair. thus far, i've unconciously only remembered the more powerful details. my asking ball busting questions and all my hot divorcee talk. anyway. i remembered the part, the small part, right after he told me the truth and my life fell apart and for the first time i thought, in the core of me, that i couldn't do life without him. but in my head, staying didn't make sense--because i couldn't. but in that moment leaving didn't make sense either. and for the first time grace fit perfectly! grace was the solution. and what a discovery it was. it wasn't so much me extending it--as we've talked so much about. it was more about me discovering that it was an option, the perfect option.

but grace was only the option when my life didn't make sense anymore. sad--but true. it wasn't grace, period. it was grace because...because i needed it. i've recieved grace but never given it. and in that moment God introduced grace to both eric and i. He needed to learn about grace--how to recive it. and i needed to learn about grace--as in how to give it. so it was a mutual discovery. and that feels...better. better than where i've been in the last few weeks.

while this hurts more than i'm made to bear--the truth in the discovery of grace in that night propels me forward into hope. hope that His supernatural creation...GRACE. JESUS. could change everything. because i am not capable. so not capable. but He is and the great question is , will i let Him????


ahhh it's so simple but how how how to make it real is the trickiest thing ever. how to invite all this simplicity into my life when my heart is so bent toward complexity????

hope that makes any sense at all--and then again. why should it matter if it makes sense to me?