emergency systems shut down

the things that have happenned. all of them. i have been questioning them and Him. that doesn't mean i don't BELIEVE. it means i don't UNDERSTAND. seperating those two in my head and heart has been tough.

i don't know. i haven't blogged in a while because sometimes i feel pressured to be somewhere that i'm not...someone that i'm not. sometimes i just want to quit wrestling and just be happy. write happy things on this blog. maybe even funny things. but i can only be me. and i can only be where i am. sometimes i am happy and funny and then sometimes...and then sometimes i am here. my past has brought me here. the past that i struggle against every day.

the things that have happenned lately. mainly the threatened miscarriage--still has me scared. still has me numb. i can't feel anything. because i didn't want to feel the pain of the loss at the time and i turned everything off. i didn't want to turn everything off. i just wanted to turn the hurt off. but alive for me is a big red button. one push and everything shuts off. and i go back to being my protector instead of God...

and that's where i am. that's where i've been. God alone holds the reset to the big red button but right now i am too stubborn to ask.

so i' ve decided to make myself write on here again. because it helps me sort out the crazies. and saves so many innocent bystanders from listening to my ramblings. and helps me listen with a keener ear to my heartbeat. to exactly what is going on inside of this messy messy heart.