i built so many of these as a kid--these elusive castles in the sky. these impossible dreams of how i was going to make a difference. how i was going to be incredibly successful at everything i put my hand to. marriage, career, kids. i spent so much of my childhood dreaming and scheming about my life and how i'd live it and here i am. . .so incredibly far away from everything i've ever imagined. . .and somehow that was God's plan all along. He saw me build those lofty castles. He watched me set those high expectations. He knew how it would all turn out and somehow
that was the point. not for me to one day wake up to a perfect life and finally be content.
the point is for me to struggle with the imperfection in my little world and come to the conclusion that God and only God can EVER contribute to my contentment . . .
ha! and getting that from my head to my heart is a different matter all together . . .
you're probably completely lost as you read this, because my thoughts are all over the place tonight--so let me back up and give a little context to my rantings.
. . .we had a meeting with our care group tonight. our church has designed these care groups for people dealing with issues in their lives. the idea is to put a community of people around those that are struggling so that the community may lovingly push, help and challenge the struggling in a specific area. . . so a group of 3 other couples surround eric and i on a monthly basis and through much prayer and wise counsel help us to examine some recent happenings in our lives and perhaps even help us grow through them:)
we talked tonight about some of these castles in the sky that i've so lovingly built. . .we mainly talked about me tearing them down.
see my castle like, so many other women, is partially made of dreams of the marital happily-ever-after. and living with my husband for 4 years and finding no happily ever after--among other things has brought me to this place where i have realized that these dreams are not what God has for me--He has something better. something that was not designed to make me "happy" but to make me joyful and homesick for Him. i just can't imagine anything better than being "happy". and i can't seem to push my "happiness" out of priority status. . .not here, not now. and so i am dissapointed. so very dissappionted that my husband will never be enough and that that isn't even the point. so disappionted that my husband will never make me "happy". and i am ashamed at the fact that i even have those expectations of eric because that must mean that i am breaking the heart of God. . . . .that God Almighty has pursued me with a perfect love and yet i am still aching to go to prom on eric's arm instead of His . . .
and although this realization of my spiritual infedelity saddens me the castles i built in the sky still beckon me to beleive in their fairytale. how will i ever tear them down? there are so many things that i want to hold onto--wishing, hoping and dreaming that maybe someday . . .
somehow i sense that i will never be behind the demolition of my high ideals. i think my relentless God is bent on slowly tearing them down peice by beautiful peice. . . and although i know these dreams are unreachable and impossible there is an unmistakable and contagious beauty in shattered dreams that bids me to--to never let go. . . and all the while He just wants me to release all these broken peices and trade them for HIS PEACE. . . and yet i stubbornly hold on
and i put up a fight and throw a tantram--begging for my rags and in doing so
reject His riches.
there were so many other things said tonight that were probably more profound than this one thought, but with this loud dissappiontment ringing in my head, I couldn't seem to hear anything else . . . this whole post is one long run-on ramble and for that i apologize. i just needed to get these things off my chest so that maybe i can get some sleep tonight. . . although i don't think even sleep will numb this dissappiontment i am feeling right now. . . i have an inkling that this dissappiontment is going to get a whole lot deeper before it gets any better. . .
