oh gideon

journal entry--dated august 9th, 2004

"...right now i am struggling with how You have chosen to write this chapter. lyndsey, mandy, sara all pregnant. me not even able to find out for another week! how silly of me to second guess You. how after all this do i dare demand anything from You? how dare i hinge my happiness on this one matter instead of everything you are to me....Your timing is perfect on Your watch--even if it seems just a little late on mine."

journal entry--dated august 13, 2004

"...so i found out today I'm really not pregnant...how many months has it been? 3? 4? hmmm...if i have to look at one more negative pregnancy test i don't know what i'll do!..."

journal entry--dated december 1st, 2004

"...so i've been fasting for two days now(going on three). it has really been an amazing expirience...tuesday morning (day 2) i woke up early and my body was screaming at me. needless to say i couldn't go back to sleep so i prayed and listened--listened and prayed. i asked God if i would have more children and he said yes to a son. maybe that sounds really strange but i felt his spirit tell me, "yes. you will have a son.".... oh how i want to beleive. i want to be the one that trusts. but the reality is i am alot like thomas--the doubter. i'm sorry for my unbelief--Lord strengthen my faith..."

journal entry--dated oct 18th, 2006

"...thank You for the work You started in me and will some day finish! thank you. I praise You and ask You for big things. i ask You for a pregnancy followed by a baby. i beg You for this blessing although i am so undeserving. i am helpless."

journal entry--dated november 27th, 2006

found out about new life 11-17-06
prayed hannah's prayer found below 11-15-06

"oh God of the angel armies
if you'll take a good hard look at my pain,
if you'll quit neglecting me,
and go into action for me by giving me a son,
i'll give him completely, unreservedly to you.
i'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline."

"You answered me. You listened. You are really there...that is amazing. i am so undeserving of Your love and care. please forgive me for my unbelief...i bring this new life to You. i offer his health to Your hands. i pray for this child as it develops. i pray that it will be kind and You centered always. i pray that it will be able to see You and praise You in every situation. thank You for this baby!"

journal entry--dated november 28th, 2006

"psalm 78--this caught me by surprise. it tells the story of the isrealites. their disobedient path and their stupidity.

'sure He struck the rock and the water flowed, creeks cascaded from the rock but how about some fresh baked bread? how about a nice cut of meat?'

how dare they? how dare i? i am the isrealites...over and over again...."

journal entry--dated november 30th, 2006

"last night i experienced some spotting and i freaked out instead of trusting you. i am so sorry for that....i am currently cramping a bit more than is considered normal and i am scared. alot scared. i feel like a miscarriage is coming....God please help me! i feel like i am drowning in the face of this possible loss...i know that whatever you decide is good. but Father i pray bold prayers for this life inside of me...i pray that You will keep it alive. i pray that You will help me trust Your way is the best way even in this delicate situation. i pray big prayers because i know You are bigger than spotting or cramps or dr's....highs lows-good or bad i praise You and love You for You are good. and You can't be anything else!...my finite mind cannot grasp what it is You are doing...i will trust You. You told me i would have a son. i am trying to beleive that."

on december 5th, 2006 we were told the baby wouldn't make it and to prepare for a misscarriage.

on december 12th, 2006 we found out that the baby was still alive.

on january 2nd, 2007 we found out that the baby would make it--as far as the dr could tell.

as i read through these journal entries and many others i sounded exactly like those stupid isrealites in the OT. He shows up so often in my life and i doubt Him still...standing back and taking a look at His hands all over this baby's life already is breathtaking.

we will name our baby gideon. gideon rhett. gideon because he is the sign. just like gideon in the bible asked for signs rather than just trust i have asked for many and still don't always beleive. my baby is the very sign i asked for and once He granted it i still didn't beleive Him. over and over.

examining my audacity to pray hannah's prayer and only mean the first part was brutal! it kinda feels like God was checking me on that. saying, "will you really give him to Me? or were you just saying that?" come to find out i was just saying that.

this little baby boy child that kicks me far more often than any 23 week old should is an unspeakable miracle. all life is a miracle. i know. but gideon rhett dickens is my miracle. a miracle that tells me that God is there and He is listening and He thinks i am special and He really does love me. how much more of a sign could i ask for? yet i know i will ask for more...and more...and always more...