how He sees me...

a while back lynz shared that she longed for an image of herself before God. an image of who she really is...in order to get her mind around how she breaks the heart of God.

this image idea has been bumping around in my head. i've wondered lately what i must look like to God. and much like her i had come up with nothing.

until last night.

yesterday afternoon i was journaling a bit and asked God to help me understand two things. the whole whiter-than-snow-forgiveness-piece and the childlike faith thing. both of which are ever so elusive ideas in my life. i think i get them and then all my comprehension of them is gone and i am once again at square one. and square one is pretty much where i've been living lately.

last night at the building we engaged in some great corporate worship and during one of the songs i got an incredible visual.

i was in the middle of a puddle of mud--or muck. as i looked down at my limbs they were covered with the sticky black tar like substance. i was alone. so very alone. i was on my knees--stuck in this position endlessly it seemed. i was too dirty to be close to God. He was big and white and clean standing over me. i would try to get closer to Him and fail. try to inch closer to Him and simply get sucked back into the muck that covered me.

until...

until He picked me up like a newborn. effortlessly. i had been struggling, struggling, struggling to stand to my feet in this gunky hell. to get out! it was as if the mud that i was covered in was as strong as a bungee cord--pulling me back in, pulling me back in. what i had been trying to do for so long on my own He did in a second...and with no struggle. He picked me up and held me close and tight and strong. i had been alone for so long that His presence stirred something in me. filled something in me. but i was still ashamed of the dirt caked all over my body.

until...

until He washed me. again, like a newborn. i just lay there helpless as He painstakingly washed my body, inch by inch. this part wasn't so effortless on His part. this was tedious. but He did it with all the love and gentleness that i will soon wash little rhett's tiny body. and i just lay there. not offering excuses about why i was so dirty. i didn't even try to lift a finger to help. i just lay there--resigned to the fact that He and only He could get me clean. as he moved from my shoulder to my elbow, from my forearm to my hands i felt clean and loved and free. then he moved on to the more private areas of my body. i flinched in reaction to the hurts that have been administered to those areas. but He just continued washing away the dirt and shame from the areas that are by far the most intimate--the most sensitive to damage. i was scared for a moment. scared he would hurt me while i was helpless. but He didn't. He just washed it all away with nothing but a tender and appropriate touch. and as i lay in His arms--in His tender care--surrounded by grace and love,

running away didn't seem to make any sense. attempting to be independent didn't seem to make sense. being anywhere but here--helpless and clean--for the rest of my life, didn't seem to make any sense.

and that is my picture. that is my vision. this is who i am to God. This is who He knows me to be somewhere deep inside.