a f r a i d

i am afraid. i am afraid of moments that i feel unwanted, unloved, ugly and betrayed. i am afraid. i am afraid of tornados and crawly things that don't belong in my house.
i am afraid. i am afraid of death and dirty towels and disease.
i am afraid. i am afraid of people with smoggy souls and small spaces and weed.
i am afriad. so very very frightened of it happening again.
i am afraid. so very very scared of bad surprises and startling violence.
i am afriad. so very fearful of long stretches of nothing. nowhere to go. nothing important to do.
i am afraid. so terrified that i don't matter and neither do you.

this fear...it strangles and controls me. it makes my every move for me. i live in this anxiety. although there is not much living done.

until He comes along. He says PEACE. BE STILL. and i am. i can't help but be. He makes all this nervous anxiety that most are on meds for be quiet. because when He's there He tells me who i am. He tells me who He is. and He tells me He controls it all.

He makes the loudest, angriest words and situations sound like a lullaby. He tells me i am beautiful...that He made this casing of skin and bones for my soul to live in...nothing else. He tells me i'm His...and He'll never turn away. He says He controls the skies and all the clouds and storms. He laughs at my paranoia of spiders and slimy things and tells me they are His too. His bigness brings them down to size. He tells me that death brings me to a life i've never known and assures me He is there and i will love it. He whispers stories to me of scary people and paints them as only children that He made and who sadly refuse to choose Him. He tells me there is nothing i can touch or catch that He cannot cure. He tells me there is nothing anyone can do to me that He cannot heal. He said He watches over me when i sleep. He tells me He is with me in an elevator, a crowded room or in an open field. He tells me not to worry about being in control...that there is not a place in my life He needs or expects it. He tells me He directs my steps just to be careful not to let go of His hand. He says He's glad i am still surprised by bad because He never intended it for my eyes. He says He holds me. He says He directs my every step...and not to fear if i'm taking small ones. He says not to worry about being significant. He is significant enough for us all.

He takes my fears and breaks them. He turns up His voice and down the others. He holds me...whispers to me...all the things i've always wished someone would tell me.

He tells me who i am by telling me who HE is...

and all the fears fade away.

bird song

i am a bird.

when other animals are weeks old and beginning to learn to live--i am still in my shell. i stay in my shell 'til i'm GOOD and READY...or the always untimely time my Father says. i break free only to enter the world as the most vulnerable creature--a tiny thing, perched high, crying, mouth wide. i am eager if nothing else...eager in the most awkward way. if my father is lost (which he always seems to be) and my mother has forgotten me (which she always seems to do), i find myself adopted by the oddest and sweetest and most irresponsible of humans. i don't know why they never keep me, but they try real hard at first--bringing nothing but hope and heartbreak. once abandoned, if i'm not lunch for some other greedy animal, i find myself staring at the sky--knowing that it's where i belong, but not knowing yet that i fly. it's by my Father's grace that such a wretched little creature as i (grey and small) grow and live.

i'm not much to look at during this growth process...not like the other animals around me. baby humans are pink and plump and walk and talk before you know it. baby horses are walking hours after their births--and their mothers right there to enjoy it! all the other animals do such beautifully normal things--that don't include being pushed from a tree!!! but me--little me--i'm all alone, way up here, and if i listen to Him--He says He made me for the sky--TO FLY! but i can hardly believe it...so He typically teaches me by necessity--fly or die is what they say. but first i learn to sing. i sing His songs--the ones He gave me. His melodies help me believe somehow...

then comes the day i fall from the sky...whether i jump or stumble or get pushed from behind. oh how i flap and hope and it looks like a mess of feathers! not at all like i thought it would be...and i flap and hope and flap and hope and hope and hope and flap! despite what you think it's not the flapping but the hope that makes me fly. and fly i do! all the sudden free of all the things that once confined me--shell and nest and self contempt! suddenly all the ways i'm different from the others is okay...is GREAT actually! it's no longer so important that i have 4 legs or 2 parents or walk or run or speak! i SING and FLY, if i hope in Him--and let Him tell me who i am!

so, i may get caught in a draft sometimes and by my own strength not fly free...but if i listen to the One i fly for He always makes a way around.

my Father, He made me for the SKY--He made me to FLY! now i ask Him every day..."who do you say i am?". and every day i ask, He reassures me of the same. so this is how i know...

i am a bird.