free

my world is literally 3 lies to every truth. my world needs a little more honesty in it. my world would be oh so much simpler with a little more honesty in it. why then is it so hard for me to break the smooth cycle and stir up a little chaos with my honesty? we all need a little chaos. growth requires a chaos of sorts.

i hate the everyday lies i tell-- spoken and unspoken. i hate scrambling for pleasant pretending words in an uncomfortable situation. how much easier would it be just to be honest? okay well maybe not easier in the moment but definately easier in the long run. our lives were made to be lived authentically that is why i am writing these words because true honesty is a deep longing inside of me. true honesty. much different than manipulating honesty. which comes across as just another self protective measure. i can do manipulating honesty. boy can i! when i want to hurt someone with "honesty", when i want to save a few dollars or get a free meal. i can do that kind of honesty. and that rude, self-serving honesty is what i used to think that true honesty was. but now i know that there is this different honesty. this honesty that the bible claims has the power to set one free. this honesty is Christ centered. not lexi centered. so Chrsit-centered that i have to take even my comfort out of the equation to achieve it.

why do i, as a Christ follower have an even harder time being honest than i did before meeting Him? there are so many "christian" lies that i tell on a regular basis. not just the "how are you's", " i am fine's" either. it's more than that. it is "yes i am listening to your whoe is me tale". yes of course i am listening because Christ would listen. am i listening inside? of course not. so i lie. in order to be more christian, you understand...

a little honesty would go a long way in my life. in so many situations. with so many people. what would Jesus have me say in those situations that i convince myself to lie in His name? and then what would Jesus say to me? i don't think He'd be proud...that's for sure. but why do i do it?

i have to thank a dear friend for pointing out my christian dishonesty. the words of isaiah come to mind when i think of all this...

When we proudly display our righteous deeds, we find they are but filthy rags.

disgusting. filthy. rags. that is what my most righteous moments are. my good deeds are full of selfish motives, often peace centered and not Christ centered. ha! it's funny i was looking for a picture to post that was "pretty" filthy rags... artistic filthy rags. but then i laughed out loud at the irony of it all... and then posted some really "filthy" filthy rags. i swear i can smell them from here!

so i think i'm going to challenge myself to be honest. pure honesty for 2 weeks. and see how simple honesty changes my life. . . i so long to be free. free of the things i'm supposed to say... He says the truth sets you free. so here goes...

the chair

Get out of the chair…
& the wrestling will become a dance
--theuprising

this guy that writes the uprising never ceases to challenge me with his words. had to post this one. just had to so i would never forget it. so i could never forget to remember to get my butt out of the boat and walk on water! so i could never forget to remember when fear keeps me in the chair--that it is not of God. . . but is of the other. what would my life look like if...

wrinkled thoughts...

"shame is the outcome of a failure in trust. trust is a giving of our soul to another with the hope that we will not be harmfully used. such trust invests in another the power to determine whether or not we are acceptable and desirable. shame is experienced before the one i've entitled or given the right to judge me. ultimately, that is the perrogative of God alone. to give that privilege--in essence, the opportunity to bestow or retract life--to anyone other than God is idolatry."

--dr. dan allender

wow...what a thought. what a completly heavy, wrinkled and possibly life changing thought.

what if? what if i chose to give God the gavel that's belonged to Him all along? what if my life was lived in trust...complete and utter trust of God and no other? to think that this whole shame thing. that heavy, unbreathable, anxious feeling that rules my every action in the avoidance of it, is totally optional? what if the only place shame had in my life was to point me to the one who could erase it?

so many wrinkled and crinkled up thoughts in my head. my mind is beginning to resemble the sorry state of my bedroom right now. piles of half sorted wrinkled thoughts everywhere--stashed in this corner or that. under the bed or in the closet floor. i really intend to sort through it all--as soon as i have time. but time never taps me on the shoulder and begs to be had...so i continue daily with the urgent, completely ignoring the important. the important peices of thoughts and dreams i've left crumpled in the corner of my recollection to deal with on another day... this enitre idea being one of the politely discarded items. i just need to take some time to pick them all up and iron them out...

imagine...

"My view of Christianity is such that I think no man can consistantly profess it without throwing the whole weight of his being against this monstrous system of injustice that lies at the foundation of all our society; and, if need be, sacrificing himself in the battle. That is, I mean that I could not be with a great many enlightened and Christian people who did no such thing; and I confess that the apathy of religious people on this subject, their want of perception of wrongs that filled me with horror, have engendered in me more scepticism than any other thing."

--Augustine St. Clair in Harriet Beecher Stowe's Uncle Tom's Cabin.

interesting in the light of the great number of those that profess to be Christians and never "throw" their whole beings against injustice. who are we? that we are content to remain safe in our nation's borders and watch the injustice that happens across the world, across the border and across the street? who do we think we are? the light of the world? the salt of the earth? or the very contibutors to the disbelief that we speak so vehemently against? Christian Americans should be a force to be rekoned with in this dark world. but satan has us snared in his nets of safety, self centeredness and entitlement. when will we wake up to hear that we may be doing more damage than good in claiming to follow Jesus and then instead crazily pursue the "good life".

imagine what the world would be like if we christians did throw our whole beings into it--into Him. the worst that could happen is that we would lose ourselves in the battle. imagine if we all beleived there was something bigger than us. oh wait we do. imagine if we actually lived what we beleive. imagine. just imagine.

come as you are...

so the invitation said come as you are--but we all know no one really means that, right? so i'm dressed to the hilt. this is an event like no other. i accepted the invitation and here i am--sitting with a feast before me. i'm talkin' linen tablecloth, expensive china, polished silver kind of feast. there is only one thing served at this table--although it's always prepared a different way--so the sweet taste is always savored and could never be considered mundane.

Grace is served at this table.

my Father sits at the head of the table and laughs at my dressy attire but none the less invites me to "eat up". i know He has worked hard to provide this outlandish meal. i know He has sacrificed so much, just so i can sit here--at His table. my soul growls in need and i long to obey it's murmurings and yet...i decide to ignore my hunger pains and take only a few morsels of the faith sustaining substance onto my plate.

i want to be polite. i don't want to need it. i want somehow to be above it. i don't want to take too much. don't want to over-indulge. i am a bit embarrassed by my need. after all i just want to be a polite little christian. i don't want to dig in and behave like the grace starved slob that i really am--that i used to be anyway. i mean what would my Father think? what would those sitting at this table around me think?

as i push the grace around on my plate i find myself embarrassed to be partaking of the meal at all. i seem to think there is some holiness in not having to take much grace here--although He is always trying to tell me otherwise. hey, besides--i'm not quite sure which fork to use anyway. as i awkwardly spoon the meager contents of my plate into my mouth-- my soul hungers for so much more. this all brings back flashbacks of the first time i ate in front of my jr. high boyfriend. so embarrassing, so uncomfortable. yet here i am--with a feast of the only thing that will feed my soul set before me. and yet... and yet... i can't bring myself to enjoy it. there is shame in my need. there is guilt in my soul's satisfaction. i so don't want to take any more...and yet--i crave it. my life needs it to go on. and i look up into my Father's questioning face and attempt to lie to the all-knowing one saying,

"no thanks, i couldn't possibly take any more..."

my lie leaves my insides begging to remember how to humble myself and consume all i need. the sweet aroma of forgivness is too much for me to handle. i can almost taste the mercy to be had at the all-you-can-eat buffet that i originally considered this feast upon first invitation. back in the beginning. back when i attended this party in rags. back when i accepted His gift out of despreate need. as i recollect, in the beginning it wasn't half as difficult to accept His grace--maybe because i was facing the reality of starvation.

why is it any different now?

do i think i've earned this now?
that as a seasoned Christ follower i should be immune to it all?
above it all?
yes, yes and yes. that is exactly it.

come as you are? ha! i can do better than that...