unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving

some will seek forgiveness other's escape
song by copeland and underoath


Here's my kiss to betray
Desperate to brush the lips of grace

Do you feel hollow when you think of how I've lied?

Oh, sweet angel of mercy, with your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me

Hey, unfaithful, I will teach you To be stronger, Hey, ungraceful, I will teach you To forgive one another Hey, unfaithful, I will teach you To be stronger,
Hey, unloving I will love you
I will love you
I will love you
And Jesus I'm ready to come home
(JESUS, I'M READY)
I'm ready to come home
I'm ready to come
Hey unfaithful, hey ungraceful, hey unloving
I will love you
Hey unloving
I will love you

wow...what a song. it is usually a song that breaks me down and helps me home. this time i was broken down and desperate enough on my own for home and the song came about 30 minutes after.

these words.

unfaithful, ungraceful, unloving.

this is me.

i'm discovering that my journey is about learning that again and again.
that i am nothing by myself and He expects nothing but my nothingingness.
He is who He is no matter where i am...and i love being close to Him. and now i am back. and it feels good. so good i can't imagine ever leaving His side again. but i will--i know i will. it is in my "sheepish" nature to wander. for now i'll stay here.

emergency systems shut down

the things that have happenned. all of them. i have been questioning them and Him. that doesn't mean i don't BELIEVE. it means i don't UNDERSTAND. seperating those two in my head and heart has been tough.

i don't know. i haven't blogged in a while because sometimes i feel pressured to be somewhere that i'm not...someone that i'm not. sometimes i just want to quit wrestling and just be happy. write happy things on this blog. maybe even funny things. but i can only be me. and i can only be where i am. sometimes i am happy and funny and then sometimes...and then sometimes i am here. my past has brought me here. the past that i struggle against every day.

the things that have happenned lately. mainly the threatened miscarriage--still has me scared. still has me numb. i can't feel anything. because i didn't want to feel the pain of the loss at the time and i turned everything off. i didn't want to turn everything off. i just wanted to turn the hurt off. but alive for me is a big red button. one push and everything shuts off. and i go back to being my protector instead of God...

and that's where i am. that's where i've been. God alone holds the reset to the big red button but right now i am too stubborn to ask.

so i' ve decided to make myself write on here again. because it helps me sort out the crazies. and saves so many innocent bystanders from listening to my ramblings. and helps me listen with a keener ear to my heartbeat. to exactly what is going on inside of this messy messy heart.

why's

"Why" by bethany dillon
This house is echoing With the sound of You knocking at the door
But with three locks And the shades down You are easy to ignore
I put You on like an old pair of shoes I've put You off,
but now I need You
Why?
this love that never leaves me
Why are You holding me tonight?
Can't deny this love that is given me
Why? t
his love will never leave
You're a good strategy
when I need one
An angle when there is none
Like a doormat That always says welcome
No matter how much dirt I rub on
But when I am tired and run through
Look over this hill, I'm running to You


i'm in a weird, low place. i want to say "tell me a story of why God would want someone like me!" i want to say "give me an example of this unconditional, never ending love". who in the bible did God continue to love even when they failed him over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again? i want something, anything to make me feel better right now and at this point i've sold my soul to everything else but him. all the thoughts, words, actions, impulses and desires that i thought would help--haven't. i've relyed on nothing but me for the past few months so why would God want me back now? after i've used and accused, ignored and avoided him for so long?

this is where i'm at. and i can't seem to move. i don't know where He is right now. don't really know where i'm at. just asking alot of why's i guess. lots of confusion. chaos. i guess that's okay?