my scribbles

Friday, April 28, 2006

combustication



A decade ago, I never thought I would be
At twenty-three on the verge of spontaneous combustion,

Woe is me

But I guess that it comes with the territory

An omnious landscape of never-ending calamity

I need you to hear, I need you to see
That I have had all I can take
and
Exploding seems like a definite possibility to me


so pardon me while i burst...

Pardon me -- by incubus

things just seem so crazy/out of control. i'm on an informational overload, an emotional overload plus i have all these crazy self constructed walls falling down all around me! it's all so much...it's all too much...sometimes i feel like there is too much "stuff" to fit in this body.
my skin feels like it's stretched tight across all the stuff that i keep in.

and it's not that it's new stuff. it's stuff that's always been there--but in this season of my life i am becoming so keenly aware of it all...of the dissappiontments...of the masks...and of the gradual dissapearance of the girl that God created...little by little until what you see today is all that's left of her.


as i am mourning my losses--taking the first step toward healing--i feel naked. i feel like i am walking through life with no make-up on. you know the feeling. you don't really want to look anyone in the eyes and then--no doubt--you run into just the person that you fear running into the most--someone (dressed impeccably) who has caught you with out your make-up on several times recently and is beginning to make silent assumptions of how you live your life. assumptions that you want to kick and scream against. but the ironic thing is, it's the true assumptions that we have such an abhorance to. the ones that are innaccurate are laughable. it's only the assumptions that are too close for comfort, that i stubbornly resist.

assumptions like she is falling apart. assumptions like she has no idea what she is doing in life. assumptions like she is weak. assumptions like she is needy. she is lacking. she is hurt. she is not much underneath that facade...

as i walk around in life-- actually feeling for the first time--i am a new person every day. He re-makes me everyday. every sunrise marks the renewal of His grace. of my grace. every morning i wake up just that much closer to the lexi that He knew i was all along. the lexi that doesn't have to tell herself who to be but the lexi that knows she is loved and just "is". it's His grace that makes all this change possible. it is His grace that helps me invite people in--people that have been standing at my door and knocking for a long time...His grace sustains me and is slowly becoming all i need--or want.

but...the feelings...oh the feelings. it is a completely foreign concept to me to let myself--
my
feelings
--be hurt and not get instantly angry or offensive. it is as foreign to me as never having seen fire and one day finding myself drawn to the mysterious substance and then--getting burnt. my automatic reaction is panic,


"what the h--- is this!?!"

the second reaction is tears...lots and lots of tears.
tears that come from far away places. places that make the "combusting" seem preferable to going there...

but in all of this there is hope. a deep and cool blue hope. a hope that make the flames seem temporary. that make the bursting seem worthwhile. because one day soon it will be extinguished. one day soon that luminous blue hope will settle all around me to stay. no longer will it be beautiful in the distance but it will be glorious all around. and that urges me to continue on this journey of healing...on this journey toward God...and me. toward God and me...

so stars burst--right?

and that's the only reason we can even see them.
without the bursting their beauty would be impossible to behold.


so perhaps i am a star...
who would never be seen without all the bursting...


so pardon me while i burst--into flames.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

so much more...


john 12:24 the truth is, a kernel of wheat must be planted in the soil. unless it dies it will be alone – a single seed. but its death will produce many new kernels – a plentiful harvest of new lives.

although i know this is my aim, i fight it with all i'm worth. it doesn't make sense and it does...it really doesn't...and then it so does...i'll keep going back and forth like this...and until i figure out which voice i'll follow. for now i will keep floating on the wind, aimlessly, like a dandelion seed that can't decide if she wants to fall...and die...and produce so much more...


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

self protection


"...sometimes you can hurt yourself more by trying to keep yourself from being hurt..." --redeeming love by francine rivers

haven't blogged or journaled or talked to God in too long. haven't blogged because i'm scared of what people would think, haven't journaled because i'm scared of what i will think, and i haven't prayed because i'm scared of what God will think. that leaves me here. in this really weird place. so hurt, that i am content enough to sit here and lick my wounds, defending off further harm,
than truly
live.

and it doesn't make sense, and it does. . .

Thursday, April 06, 2006

trust


"when we fail to trust the real God, we do not escape trusting someone or something. trust, like breathing, and indeed, like worship, is inevitable. it is not that some people trust, some worship , some breathe, and others do not. we cannot fail to trust God without turning our trust to something that becomes a new god for us..."--dan b. allender

these words stop me in my tracks and make me question if or when i have really trusted God in my life--or if i've trusted me more, or church more, or eric more, or...the list goes on and on.

the truth is-- i don't really trust God, day in day out, moment by moment. i trust me...and God...and that combination doesn't really work...because i end up interupting God in the middle of a sentence or answering before He speaks. making Him into whatever i want Him to be or need Him to be or whatever is easiest for me...

trusting God is my biggest struggle right now...and trusting the right god. as i do my best impression of someone waiting on God i find myself questioning if i know God at all?

who is it am i trying to trust, anyway?

i am thirsty for an answer to this question. not the easy answer either, not the one that i've memorized or learned in sunday school but a God and lexi face to face answer. a relational, real, meaningful answer...not that those answers we all memorized wern't relational and real but they were relational and real for someone else and i am deeply committed not to rush to any conclusion to this question but to search, and yearn and

except the ticket that Jesus gave me that is good for one life of earthshaking face to face encounters with God Himself!!!
this is better than front row seats, this is backstage passes!!!

until now i think i've been too content and a little scared to actually KNOW Him. . .scared that if i ever got too close that He would rearrange my whole world!!! while i'm still a little scared of this i am faced with this trust matter every where i look--and if i am to trust someone--really trust them--i must truly know them...and here i am.