my scribbles

Friday, August 25, 2006

i wanna be there


i've recently heard this song sung from divine lips and the expirience has transformed it's meaning for me forever. it's an old favorite of eric and i's. we actually saw this group in concert once a long time ago...eric used to play this song for me...and it was beautiful. but sung from my Father to me this song's beauty is now completely different and far more breathtaking now than it ever was...

i wanna be there--blessed union of soul

won't you let me catch your fall?
won't you let me lend a hand?
those lonely eyes have seen it all--
but love's too blind to understand.

Cause you don't know what you have
Til your everything is gone.
You need someone to show you
How to live again.

I wanna be there when you're feeling high.
I wanna be there when you wanna die.
I'm gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when you're feeling down.
And I'll be there when your head is spinnin 'round.
Gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I wanna be there til the end.

You wouldn't know that I was there
Cause I have been there all the time.
And if I had my way I'd hold you in my arms
And leave this madness all behind.


Cause you got so much to give,
But you throw it all away.
And all you've got to show for
Who you are is pain.

And I've got so much to give,
If you'd only let me in.
I'm gonna take the time
To show you I'm a friend.
You'll believe in love again.


I wanna be there in the pouring rain.
I wanna be there when you call my name.
Gonna light your fire, I'm gonna feel your flame.
I wanna be there when you go insane.
I wanna be there when I you're outta town.
And when your whole damn world is crashing down.
I'm gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I'm wanna be there til the end.

Cause you don't know what you have
Til your everything is gone.
You need someone to show you
How to live again.

I'm gonna be there in the morning.
I'm gonna be there in the night.
I'm gonna be your lover, gonna be your friend.
I'm gonna be there til the end, yeah.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

meant for so much more



so here i am. standing at the edge of this metaphorical cliff. stepping off means letting go of everything "me" and trusting nothing but Him.

i am a bit different from most in that i am not afraid of heights persay--
i am mostly just afraid of falling.
that i-would-rather-die-than-be-suspended-midair-not-knowing-where-my-stomach-is
kinda feeling.

yeah.

that.

hate that.

hate that out of control feeling...as if i am in control otherwise. ha. i took a trust fall with God last week and He caught me so what do i have to be afraid of now? same old stuff? really? all over again?

that i won't be in control? that it won't be pretty? that it might hurt? yup...same old fears. same old fears. even though He did all He could do to show me otherwise, it's those same old fears that keep my feet planted here--instead of just jumping in. into His grace. into His provision. into His arms.

see, i'm good here on the edge. actually i'm way more comfortable a few steps back. back there it's all me. there is no one else--and because of my depravity--the whole not needing God thing is really tempting. even though i know different. i know that back there it gets lonely. it gets ugly. gets confusing. but this damn edge gets confusing too! really confusing!!! sometimes i feel like i could just jump...accidentally. that is so one of my worst fears. when i am on a ski lift or a cliff or any where that i am not seatbelted down, i am so scared that my body will just--do it. just jump. that's how it feels now. i am looking over this relational cliff so scared that the honest words will just come pouring out of my mouth. it is so much harder to be here on the edge than a few comfortable steps back. actually a few miles would be nice! except i've been miles away before. and i didn't like it then...
i am so not built for this edge. i am built to fly.

i was meant for so much more than this dusty old cliff. He and i both know it. i hate this edge. He says that He hates the edge more than me! He says hot or cold. no middle. no edge. and yet i've been camped out on this edge for so long i almost think it's where i belong. i can talk myself into this being the right place to be. i can talk myself into just staying here.

i am convinced that He is behind me, in so many events and circumstances, pushing me closer and closer to my fear. the pebbles beneath my feet are slipping off the side and into the great crater below. increasing the reality factor and doing nothing to quell my fear.

i know my only choice is to jump. jump into the abyss of God's grace and provision and COMPLETE CONTROL. but those are scary words. and i don't wanna! all i can think about is falling. flying is hardly even a passing thought. i'm standing here looking at a very scary, very real cliff. jumping means changing my life in so many ways and trusting Him that He will be enough in all of it.
scary.
real.
everyday faith stuff.
but i am so sick and tired of this edge that stepping off is starting to sound really good.

so here i go...who knows what's next...

Tuesday, August 22, 2006

forest fire


"Spiritual growth requires discernment. we must learn to respond to the fresh wind of the Spirit. moses didn't ask or arrange for the burning bush. but once it was there he had to make a choice whether to turn aside and pay attention to the work of God. God's responsibility is to provide the burning bush. Our responsibility is to turn aside. i often forget this."

--john ortberg in The Life You've Always Wanted

God has chosen to forgo the burning bushes in my life and has opted for the forest fire.

i imagine that it is impossible for anyone remotely near a forest fire to ignore the grit of soot on their face and the heat from the tremendous blaze on their skin. i would imagine that they would have one thought, and one thought only. and that would be to move!!!

all my life, all i have ever done is move away from the fire...ignoring it to the best of my abilities. but the fire follows me in and out of every faze of my life. spreading to suprising places. places i never thought it could reach. places i least expect to find it. the burning bush is okay for the soft hearted. the forest fire is the only way that God gets to me--one of the blessed hard headed.

sometimes i feel like david in psalms. looking in every direction and always finding trouble. finding enemies and situations that stretch and pull and cause me to move out of the safe places and into the protecting arms of my Father.

because hey, if it were a burning bush He and i both know that i would never choose to look. i've made the forest fire the only way that He can speak to me. the only way i'll make time for Him. the only way He can distract me from my mindless earthly pursuits.

the forest fires of my life are the only times i have accepted that God is God and i am not. the forest fires are the only times that i allow myself to be saved by Him. to need Him. standing in the middle of a forest fire is when i have no choice but to admit that i would be lost without His fire jumping capabilities. i would perish. i would be nothing.

standing in the midst of yet another forest fire, i am trying my best to rely on my own strength to get me out of this one. HA! it is a ridiculous thought even as i type it. but standing in the middle of my life right now it seems to make the most sense. hmmmm...

just found out after a year and a half of impatient waiting that there is nothing physically that is keeping eric from reproducing. our 2 and a half year infertility issue is not him. which is wonderful. but that means it's me. that means it's me. that is one big burning bush contributing to this forest of fire.

just can't seem to figure out relationships. they are zapping me. they are wearing me out. the annoying mirrors that others are holding up to me right now are another aspect of this blaze that is beginning to surround me. small group is crappy. community feels non-existant. friends seem far away and unsafe. there are some relationships in my life that are on fire but i don't have the strength or the energy to work on putting them out.
another burning bush.

my journey into my past abuse has been heated for awhile. i feel like i am struggling to obtain oxygen in this area. struggling, struggling, struggling. and yet without the struggle i know i would never admit my need for Him. and yet i just want to run from the heat. run from this mess. run from all these things that are supposed to pull me closer to Him. it hurts. all of it. i don't want to look at it. any of it. i want to out run this.

roy told a true story a few weeks ago at church about this very thing. he said that there was a crew of fire fighters in the middle of a forest fire and they were definately on the losing end of the deal. the fire was closing in on them and about to surround them and overtake the entire crew of like 24 men. the captain of the crew considered his options and decided that they could never outrun the fire. that it would be worthless. that they would all die if they ran. but yet running is the only thing that seemed to make sense. but in the moment he thought of another option.

he told the guys to light a fire around them.

his crew looked at him like he was crazy and took off on foot in order to flee from the fire and save their lives the only way they knew how. the only way that made logical sense. the captain stayed in the fire's blazing path and lit a fire around him. the fire that he lit burned up the brush around him and he put his fireproof gear over him and said a prayer. the captain survived. he and two others were the only survivors. he survived because instead of out running the blaze he opted to stay in it. and figure it out. though i am sure it got hotter at first--though i am sure it was not at all comfortable--he made it out with his life. this fire fighting tactic has since saved many more lives besides just his own.

an amazing story. if i could only apply it to my life. because right now the only option that seems to make sense is to run for the hills. i have no idea what it would look like to stay. and let it all get hotter. . .

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

past the picket fences

what an unbelievable church i belong to! this last sunday they played this derek webb song...and i can't get it out of my head! i love that my "church" doesn't stop when i walk out of the door. i love that the things we talk about in that building follow me out into my everyday life--making me examine myself and my relationship with God all through the week. both, in the easy to apply situations and the hard. i am so grateful that God has created me to be a part of this loving, stumbling, truth telling, and at times disappionting, community.

here is the song. as always leaving the shoal creek stage--going right past my picket fence defences and entering right into my heart and life...sin doesn't look the same anymore. sin sometimes looks alot like doing good...so says paul in romans 7.


i repent by derek webb

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife in our suburb where we're safe and white i am wrong and of these things i repent i repent, i repent of parading my liberty i repent. i repent of paying for what i get for free and for the way i believe that i am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide i am wrong and of these things i repent i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep of wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity i repent, i repent of confusing peace and idolatry by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need by domesticating you until you look just like me i am wrong and of these things i repent

Thursday, August 10, 2006

my trust fall

it's been awhile since i've played the game of "trust". the game where you have a partner and you take turns falling backward and catching each other. do you remember? i always did have a hard time playing that game. i was a great "catcher" just not a very good "truster". i would catch myself just enough so that if my partner was to forget about me, i wouldn't land quite so hard. so that just in case-- it wouldn't hurt so bad. but i was sneaky about it--i would let them half catch me and then get up and say, "i really did it that time! i really trusted you!" and my partner would just look at me a little doubtfully and continue playing.

there's something about this game...there's something exhilarating about really free falling and then being caught. whether i'm playing the game or living life, when it comes to trusting i've always protected myself from that out of control falling feeling. i've never trusted in anything but myself to take care of me. not even God. in saving myself everytime this instance comes up i have never quite gotten the full effect of the give and take. i am always just a little too scared in that moment of question. scared of the dissappiontment. scared of the hurt. just too scared to trust.

i think there is a deep longing built into the human heart that longs to be protected. that longs to be "caught". i think my longing was disappionted by people so often in my childhood that somewhere along the way i picked up a style of relating that made sure i could never be hurt in this area again...i built walls high and strong enough that everyone who approached was discouraged by my stony appearance. in meeting Christ and openly choosing to live the rest of my life in active worship--that is yearning to be like Him--my walls have slowly started crumbling. i mean, who can love--truly love without being vulnerble? my walls had to come down. the initial crumbling made me scared. at first i was very overaware of anyone that i let close enough to see me. but in the joy and exhileration of the new and amazing sensation that is "being known", i forgot the guard at all.

yesterday my "what if" happened. the "what if" that i've been protecting myself from my whole life long. my new vulnerbility was met with an attack. whether the attack was intentional or unintentional is really of no importance. to me it felt like a death blow. and sitting in a room with some of my closest friends and my husband i expected someone, ANYONE, to rush to my protection. to my defense. i was speechless. i was completely speechless because the only words i had to say would have hastily rebuilt the walls that have been so long in coming down.

so far i have shown my vulnerbility to people that have handled my heart tenderly. and to be fair, the offending party has no idea of my story. of my vulnerble song. but in my new expirience of vulnerbility i have not yet had to face the reality of fallen man. the reality that i will be hurt. the reality that no one will protect me from that DEEP DEEP HURT. in the moment all i felt was rage--my whole body was on FIRE and i did my best to hide it in a ramirez laugh/cry. (see below)

definition--the laugh cry is an defense mechanism that is known only to the 4 ramirez girls. it is a joke between close friends that have observed this strange phenomenon:) when the ramirez girls are overwhelmed with hurt or fear or sorrow, they laugh/cry. it's weird. they are the people that laugh at funerals. and sob at rodeos:)

anyway.
in that moment the laugh came, the suprised-hurt-i-can't-handle-these-emotions-laugh
that is almost always followed by uncontrolable sobs. well...i refused to be "that girl" that gets her feelings hurt too easily and tried to stuff my tears down deep into my throat but couldn't. just couldn't. as soon as small group was over i just wanted to be alone. i couldn't bear to lose it in front of everyone. so i went to the bathroom and stayed there for a while and did my best to get it together. i walked out with my head high but then i encountered my husband in the hall. and he asked the dreaded question that dug the sob up from where i had so carefully hidden it. we slipped into the extra bedroom and i managed to say enough words for him to understand that i needed him to get everyone out of the house as soon as possible and not draw attention to the fact that i was not joining in the post small group chat that i typically adore. he exited and lynz entered. my best friend did what best friends do and was on to me:) she saw the interaction that had hurt me so deeply and came in to talk. or to let me cry, as it turned out. in that moment i was so the girl crying in the bathroom with the hurt feelings that i have have hated all my life! life always comes full circle with me...always. i felt so jr. high-ish! then another of my great friends came looking for me just to talk but my tearstreaked face begged for an explaination. ughhh! wow...i was so that girl...so that girl...

soon enough everyone left and our friends the perry's stayed to talk...and explore me and my hurt. they gently guided me with truth and love to an amazing place. a place that i was able to be honest in my dissappiontment of them as my friends and the unprotection and betrayal i felt from my husband. i have been reading about all these confusing feelings and how they are directly related to so much of my ugly abusive past and last night it came out in one big twisted knot of raw emotion.

so i tell all of this for a reason i promise. i tell all of this to say that last night i finally fell back into the arms of God and He caught me. my self protection was not in the way for the first time. in feeling deep pain for the first time without saving myself, He was the only one that could make it all better. the hurt was too much for anyone else to handle. His deft fingers were the only ones that could sew up the wound in my soul.

i fell back.
and was caught.

and it was beautiful.

i stayed up way too late enjoying this new found intimacy with my Father. i just sat on my back porch under the night sky...and for the first time i climbed into His lap and let Him comfort me. i found strength in His understanding. i felt loved in His strong arms. i felt exhilerated.

yeah, the hurt still hurts. it stings today like none other! but there is something to TRUSTING that the God of the universe loves me. really depending on that to erase everything else.

last night, the God that hand crafted the beautiful full moon that all of this happened under, "caught" me in my trust fall.

He was there. loving me. protecting me. He was not capable of betraying me. or hurting me. and is forever available for me to run to when people, only humanly, let me down. and i got that. i really got that last night. it went from my mouth and head, straight to my heart.

so...last night.

it turned out to be a great night after all. i played my first ever game of "trust" with the God of the universe. and i am so the annoying kid that says,

"again, again, daddy. again, again!"

and since His love is never ending, i am looking forward to a lifetime of expiriencing His love and protection...and i can't wait!