my scribbles

Thursday, October 30, 2008

simplicity meets complexity

so, big step forward.

yup. i know finally, right?!?

last night my husband was being very patient with me--answering questions and talking about the stuff going on inside of me and i started rememebering the details of the night i found out about the affair. thus far, i've unconciously only remembered the more powerful details. my asking ball busting questions and all my hot divorcee talk. anyway. i remembered the part, the small part, right after he told me the truth and my life fell apart and for the first time i thought, in the core of me, that i couldn't do life without him. but in my head, staying didn't make sense--because i couldn't. but in that moment leaving didn't make sense either. and for the first time grace fit perfectly! grace was the solution. and what a discovery it was. it wasn't so much me extending it--as we've talked so much about. it was more about me discovering that it was an option, the perfect option.

but grace was only the option when my life didn't make sense anymore. sad--but true. it wasn't grace, period. it was grace because...because i needed it. i've recieved grace but never given it. and in that moment God introduced grace to both eric and i. He needed to learn about grace--how to recive it. and i needed to learn about grace--as in how to give it. so it was a mutual discovery. and that feels...better. better than where i've been in the last few weeks.

while this hurts more than i'm made to bear--the truth in the discovery of grace in that night propels me forward into hope. hope that His supernatural creation...GRACE. JESUS. could change everything. because i am not capable. so not capable. but He is and the great question is , will i let Him????


ahhh it's so simple but how how how to make it real is the trickiest thing ever. how to invite all this simplicity into my life when my heart is so bent toward complexity????

hope that makes any sense at all--and then again. why should it matter if it makes sense to me?

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

lightening


most of the time the hurt is a cloud. hovering over me and my little world. most of the time it's foggy...it's confusing. sometimes it's puffy clouds--not hard to look at...sometimes the fog is thick and smothering...and way too easy to get lost in and sometimes...sometimes there is a lightening bolt. a lightening bolt of pain straight to my heart. i hear a song, or think of a moment when i was ignorantly secure in my world while the other half of me was being whisked away by something much more exciting. i think of a time when i was lovingly trying to move toward him and all he did was pull back into the safety he created with one that wasn't me. i think of a time when i know i was ugly and demanding and frustrated. and he thought. " this is why i'm doing it." those are the lightening bolts. and although i hear the distant thunder the lightening always catches me off guard on a tuesday afternoon.

this process is definitely two steps forward and 5 steps back. this process is enough to tire the strongest of hearts. this process is something else. something totally other than what i ever expected. people say it all the time, it's definitely harder to stay after being betrayed. people say it in the tritest of ways but underneath the overuse, it's brilliantly true. in a tough moment all i wanna say is uncle. UNCLE okay?!? i give up! it's not worth it! hhhhhhh.

when the lightening hits it's the best time to get some clarity. if you can stand the pain. all of the sudden everything around you that's usually dark or cloudy is suddenly illuminated and if you can--you can see way more--if you dare to look. the first few lightening bolts hit and i ducked and covered myself in protection. now i think i'm peeking--a little. and what i see isn't pretty. what i see is powerless. what i see is so much that needs to be looked and ... given to God and well quite frankly i'm waiting around for a sunny day to do that. and there is no sun in the forecast. for a long long time...

Friday, October 24, 2008

will i get over it?



over and over i replay the details. trying to get more power. a leg up. trying to feel bigger--in the know. the details punch me in the stomach and take my breath....what a betrayal. so i ask more questions--which he fumbles to answer. God has transformed him in such a short time--his heart is soft and welcoming but i can't enter into it--knowing that he is capable of much damage. so i ask until there is nothing left to wonder and then i am left with my own thoughts.

why? where? what was it like? what was i doing when...so i ask another meaningless question and another and another... lights on or off? how many times? did you hold hands? as if in the answer to some random question i would find peace--but instead i find more chaos. more and more chaos. more and more hurt...more and more confusion. and i wander if he's telling the truth. and i try to poke holes in his answers. and i try to make a case for closing my heart. so i ask more questions and get more restless answers. he's trying so hard. and i am unmoved. i don't trust it. the change. who knows if it's real? certainly not me. i was sleeping next to him most nights, we were sharing meals and tickling kids--and all the while i had no idea. no idea what he was capable of. no idea what my life was really about. i feel like such a fool. i feel like i should have known. i feel like i never want to do that again. and then there is God.

God.

whew. i hear his voice. "oh how He loves us". he's putting this pulse of forgiveness in my head. bringing random things right in front of my face saying, "choose me". His way is unsafe and all out. His way is...love. and trust and forgiveness and i don't know how to live that and and so scared of that way. too scared to move.

will i ever get over this? will it ever be gone? or will it be a black mark on my life for the rest of my life? can i get over it? should i have stayed in the first place? can HE be enough? can i open myself up again? can i jump off the cliff of forgiveness into the pool of grace? i'm standing on the ledge i just need a strong wind or a great big push...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

screaming a whisper


another day on the path of healing. if i could just look at the path in front of me instead of behind. if i could just ....

i can't remember the last time in my life hurt was so daily present. i don't know how to live like this. i feel like i'm on mute. like everything is going on around me and i am hesitant, i am quiet, i am awkwardly going about my life minus something crucial. nothing makes sense without whatever it is i'm missing but i can't get it back. and i feel far from my Father. and i feel like my heart is hard--to hard to beg Him back, but wanting Him to come and find me. and i feel like i'm self protecting all over again. and i feel like it's all too much. because it is. too much for me. i feel a bit hopeless. i feel like shuting down and hiding in.

it's like a dream. when you want out of a bad situation and your scream comes out a whisper. and you try your voice again and no one hears you. i'm screaming a whisper. once again. that powerless feeling. agh.

so i'm caught in this place of ambivilence. nothing looking good in either direction. toward God looks like work. away from God looks hopeless. so i stay here and wait for Him to find me.

another song to whisper for me...

what i wouldn't give by holly brook
Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to

it's like I don't know how to live,
I’m afraid to

I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations,
no
now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone


what I wouldn't give
just to forget

so I can remember how to live again

I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted

the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions

and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself


what I wouldn't give just to forget

what I wouldn't give to get some rest

so I can remember how to live again

I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight

when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now


what I wouldn't give just to forget

what I wouldn't give to get some rest

so I can remember how to live again

I wanna live again

what I wouldn't give just to forget

what I wouldn't give to get some rest

what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live