stop

okay, stop.

stop reading this silly blog. right now. just stop. you really must and pick up donald miller's book Blue like Jazz.

this book is amazing and because you haven't really stopped reading my blog i have no other option but to quote some of the book for you right here:)

"I never liked jazz music because jazz music doesn't resolve. But I was outside the Bagdad Theater in Portland one night when I saw a man playing the saxophone. I stood there for fifteen minutes, and he never opened his eyes.

After that I liked jazz music.

Sometimes you have to watch somebody love something before you can love it yourself.

It is as if they are showing you the way.

I used to not like God because God didn't resolve. But that was before any of this happened."

whoa! seriously. you must read this book and pass it on. it answers alot of questions and askes alot of questions just by telling a simple story.

i've read and enjoyed alot of books but this one is special.

although i was dissappointed that it ended (which i always am when something is good), i was not dissappionted at it's end.

and that never happens to me.

i am what my husband would call an eternal optimist. i am sooo optimistic that things will be perfect that i have lofty expectations for everything! ridiculous expectations that are rarely ever met. this book blew those expectations away.

wow.

seeing purple

purple


are the things that matter. politely waiting for dicovery behind things painted glaring red or envy green.

purple is royal as am i.

purple is strong, yet neutral.

purple is important. but it modestly keeps it's own secret by hiding behind my selfishness and pride.

my favorite color is purple. although i rarely wear it. i mostly opt for black because it is sleeker or blue because it is striking. when will i ever learn to pick the purple out of things and leave the rest alone?

purple stands for grace regifted. purple stands for people. purple stands for making a difference. purple stands for living where you are. purple is best found today, woven in ribbons of life all around us. if i could only learn to pick the purple peices out of life. then i could be happy. then we would be whole.


purple.

i've been in a bit of an artsy mode lately. my thoughts have grown deeper and wider lately. thoughts of what is really important. my thoughts have been on an annoying repeditive loop, thinking only of the inadequacy of the important things in my life...over and over and over and....

around this time of year the holiday season usually swallows me whole and i enjoy every minute of it until i am chewed up and spit out Jan 2nd. but this year is different. this year as i finger the money in my pocket i wonder if i am spending it on the right people. this year the traditions seem empty and the magic of the season seems overrated. it seems i am doing everything but remembering the grace given to me in that manger so long ago...these traditions which i hold fast are frighteningly hollow when bumped into.

so . . . all of this to say . . .

why do i gift people that are already blessed beyond belief with things they'll never remember after february? why, when there are people out there that can eat for a month on $20 do i buy my mother in law bath products with that dirty little green peice of paper instead? we have this big chunk of christmas money that i can't bring myself to spend on my normal shopping extravaganza. i have no idea why. . . or maybe i just don't want to know why. . .

i have this errie feeling that He wants more from me this Christmas. and this feeling is threatening my peaceful little suburban lifestyle. and i want to push this feeling rising up in my chest away--far far away and act like i never felt it at all. i want to turn the christmas music up so loud that i forget about this still small voice and go eat chocolate and buy all the nothings i've usually already purchased by this time in november.

but i can't.

i am frozen.

not with the cold. but with the feeling that this is all a bunch of nothing that me and every other american make up this time of year to get us through the cold. if this is all about the baby Jesus than why am i not offering Him gifts instead?

i am seeing purple this season instead of the typical red. and it's kinda scary.

with love, from a fellow beggar

"i could show up every sunday to lead the choir and bible study and they all might come to know me as a leader and as a friend."

"but if i do not love--i am nothing"

"if i can not love my brother then how can i love the one that lived his life for me?"

--ginny owens

so this weekend took everything out of me. i was trying sooooo hard.

to keep it all in. to keep it all together. to keep us all together. to keep in step with Him.

and after all my efforts, i walk away feeling empty. because it was all about me. about me trying--yes. but not about me LOVING. and LOVING is what He has called me to do. not the rest of the crap that i strive for day in and day out.

we like to make it so complex--don't we? i'd like to think there are a million things that he wants me to do. like go to candle parties, help people move, serve at church, listen to family, seek out seekers--the "to do for Jesus" list goes on and on. and it's all good. it really is. but to Him it sounds a bit like a clanging symbol--because i leave LOVE out of it all.

because, honestly, the LOVE part is the hard part. the LOVE part is the part that is not about me. the LOVE part is the part i am not capable of. the LOVE part is the uncomfortable part.

the part that's sticky.
that's involved.
the part that's the dirty work.

so instead i cross items off of my "to do" list. and don't get me wrong-- i do these things because they are right. i do them because i am called. i do them because i am attempting to mimic His life. but somewhere in the translation i have lost the LOVE. the LOVE that was the one guideline that He gave. the thing that is supposed to be the motivation behind it all. . .

if LOVE for Him--for them--for everyone i come across--was the driving force behind my service--I WOULD LOOK SO MUCH MORE LIKE HIM.

i believe that LOVE is the key to service. it's no longer a mystery to me, as it was last wednesday when we talked about serving at small group. i've discovered the answer. and although it seems small it is far from an easy one. ha! it's impossible for me.

without Him.
to love.
like that.

living in the shadow of the LOVE that He has shown me . . . that is what makes it all possible. if i live life on my knees. where i belong. than and only then can i mirror the kind of loving service that He has given me.

i am a beggar.

if that thought reverberated through my life like a reoccuring theme then and only then could i serve without cynicism. then could i seek out seekers without sighing. then and only then could i love every checker at wal-mart, every rude driver, every dramatic member of my needy family, every slow elderly man, every pimply brace faced high school kid.

then and only then could i serve like i have been served by Christ.

without counting the cost.

without looking at the clock.

without expecting a turn.

without needing a thank you or a little recognition.

this love. this is what i leave out. out of my relationship with others and out of my relationship with Christ. LOVE is the only reason i am redeemed. it's time i recognized that it is the unexplainable factor in the equation.

dirty sinner + x(LOVE) + pure and awesome God= forgivness

and how innapropriately forgiveness was poured out on my needy life.!!! how unnecessary was it for Him to gift me with grace? making it sooo necessary for me to regift this LOVE throughout my whole life. and what a miserable job i have done thus far!

oh, i have done so much that looks like i did it out of LOVE. but i went home and talked about how good i was. or how difficult they were. or how much it cost. and then it begins to look less and less like the ORIGINAL.

if i do not LOVE. i am nothing.

may i never get off these begging knees. . . may i stay here and serve those around me with nothing but LOVE.

i so love to throw rules and regulations out the window. please help me do it now Father! please help me throw all expectations out the window and only LOVE.

and nothing else.

live generously

i'm silently hanging on to the hope i was given last week.

my grandmother passed away yesterday.

it's funny how sometimes i forget to turn to God in the times that most people automatically do. yesterday was a day spend managing my family, managing my fears and managing my tears. i really didn't let God into much of my day. sometimes i really think that if i can handle it i don't need to bother God by asking him for help. silly--i know.

i just feel kinda empty. like i have lost more than a grandmother but a sense of safety in my soul. she was always there. just always. to drop by on anytime. offering brownies, blow pops, pepsi, or homemade ice cream. we used to chat about the old movies she was always watching--she was in love with cary grant:) and she knew the passion i had for the beautiful audrey hepburn. and she never forgot a birthday. first thing--birthday morning--my whole life, i've run out to the mailbox because in it was a birthday card and $5. every time. if your birthday sucked and no one else remembered--she did. and holidays! we don't hve traditions aside for the ones she has made and kept! it's overwhelming to think of all the things that will change with her death. but...

i am happy for her. she is done with her calling here. she is "off to that better place". she did a great job. with all of us. i can't think of a better example of living generously. she has asked for donations to go to the cure for down's syndrome instead of flowers !!! wow ! she is still working at helping others even though she is gone. gone. gone.

she has created such an opportunity with her death. an opportunity for my family to come in contact with my church. with my faith. with my God. i am sooooo excited for what He has in store. i am just focusing on getting out of His way this weekend. there is obviously some work He is doing here and the last thing i want to do is mess it up. so...

pray that i continue to hear His voice and keep in step with His dance through this time. pray that i do no more or no less that He wants me to do or say during this time. pray that my family members are deeply and forever touched by this different funeral and memorial. pray that my family allows my awesome friends to serve them through this time. pray pray pray that i keep prayer first through this time and don't even attempt to make it managable for me.

pray that i live generously like she did.

may I have this dance?

i think i've got "it". the ellusive spiritual "it" that i've been searching for. and now i'm not sure i want "it". because getting "it" everyday--over and over again--is hard work!!!

God has been working in and around my life this past week. He has unveiled His "it" to me over some heartbreaking dissappiontments and i think i finally get "it".

i used the illustration a few weeks ago of me dancing alone. well at that point i was dancing alone by choice because i wasn't letting the usual people in on my little life-dance. because i have certain people that i ask to dance with me. and it never fails that they either don't want to dance or their style of dancing lets me down. are you following me? well my spiritual "it" is that as i beg others like my husband, my father, my mother, or my friends to dance with me. and while they fail me time and time again, God is waiting. waiting saying...

"may I have this dance for the rest of your life? may i swing you around and around once more?"

and i look at God and give His proposal the once over. and politely decline. and walk away in search of a dance partner.

why?

because, well--i've never seen Him dance.

who knows if He even has rythym?
who knows if we will be good together on the dance floor?
i've never danced with Him. i don't know His moves.
and although He looks as if He would be my ideal partner. i turn Him away. yet He follows me. letting me dance with others that maybe step on my toes. watching me get rejected by a potential partner. and then He says...

"may I have this dance? may I lead you across the floor. may I take your hand and spin you around and around once more. may I hold you close? before this season is through? may I have this dance with you?"

for once today i saw Him standing there. waiting...asking to be the partner in this dance that i've always longed for. asking me if He could have this dance--once again. but this time--for some reason, i said yes. i let go and He has swung me around the floor all week. and it's been exhilerating and scary and He is making me do and say things that make me feel incredibly naked and self conscious yet i can't help but crave the kind of wind we make together as He leads me across the floor. and He tells me He loves me. exactly the way i've needed to hear it my entire life.

so we dance. and we dance and i am getting a little worn out of all the dancing my poor feet--my heart needs a break. He is insistent on teaching me new moves. moves that are incredible but leave me feeling uncomfortable and inadequate. as He feels me pull away He draws me close again. and tells me all the things that i need to hear to go on.

what a dance! it's more amazing than i had ever dreamed! but "it" is hard. "it" is confusing. it's almost enough to make me quit. but it's intreaging. i can't stop because i've never felt like this before and i am scared that if i stop for just a moment--i could never feel Him like this again.

so on i go. letting Him spin me in ways that make me feel out of control. letting Him lift me in ways that make me feel silly. i don't stop now because i can't. because He is too much. He is too great. He makes me feel so beautiful. so nessesary. so wanted. all the things that dancing with others has never provided.

oh, to run ahead

i took my daughter to our church's halloween bash last sunday night. it was too much fun! they had everything fall from cottoncandy to carmel apples, moonwalks to cake walks. it was like a huge fall festival with a myriad of miniature little ghosts and goblins flying every which way! but i left convinced that jaeda was the cutest kid there! she got to pick what she wanted to be for halloween this year.

(a rather big step for me.)

well truth be told i gave her a few choices from which to pick her own costume.
i gave her the choice between, rockstar, ballerina and cowgirl. she picked ballerina. and putting all my tom-boy mom ideas aside-- she really made a great little ballerina. she was just amazingly beautiful.

i talk so often of my little monster--usually complaining about the rough nights and disobidiant days. but today i just feel fortunate to have her. to watch her. to learn from her.

she has such an amazing spirit. a tough little competitive spirit. it's amazing to see such a determined mind in such a small body. she thinks that she can do anything. and she probably can--if there was only some way to bottle this innocent insistance and keep it for days down the road when her body has grown bigger but her faith has grown smaller.

we could open it back up as a reminder when she is too big to remember how fearless a life she once lived.

as i watch her run ahead of me--never looking back. i envy her. that sounds terrible. but i do. i envy her freedom. her freedom to run without the fear of ever losing me. or falling or worse. she is so unbroken and free. free from the fear of danger or failure or dissappiontment or . . . everything else that holds me back from following my dreams and my Father.

her little blue eyes hold such a certainty in them. she is so secure in the fact that someone will take care of her. and therefore she is free to do anything--and everything. there are no doubts in her little round face as it looks up at me and smiles. her little feet don't walk they run--wherever she goes. she doesn't even have to look over her shoulder to see if i am there because she is always sure that i am following close behind.

childlike trust.

what if . . .

what if i had some of that left? what if that trust, that was so prematurely violated, was still intact? what if i could trust that my heavenly Father really had my best in mind. what if i could imagine that he was really that different from my earthly father?

would it all be so different? would it be so much easier? to fall back and know that there would be arms--loving arms--there to catch me? to have the assurance that i could fall flat of my face at something i love but that it was all part of His all-knowing plan? could it be true that failing--again--would not be the end of the world? would having that kind of trust make stepping out in faith and failing miserably-- be okay?

how much am i missing out on because i don't get this "childlike faith"? how many chances have i passed up to do His work? to fullfill my dreams? why can't i seem to move from this oh so comfy spot that i've settled in? why do i make excuses for myself. saying, "this isn't the time, or i'll miss out on j's childhood, or i'm sure there is somebody much better at this, or" . . . on and on my ugly list goes. naming all the reasons i should sit here on these hands that God created for so much more . . .

i would love to take His hand and simply trust that He will lead me down the roads that my heart longs for. just trust that He will be my biggest fan--- but i can't.

and then i see (for once) a healthy picture of my heavenly Father in my earthly dad. when he would look into my face and say, "never, ever say you can't. don't ever let me hear that come out of your mouth again . . . you can do anything."

and although i hear that in the back of my head it's like i can't will myself to take that first huge step.

to have the same trust that i see reflected in jaeda's eyes.

and instead of hiding behind Him oh to simply run ahead--like j--knowing that my Father is not far behind.

i want to be like her. i want to--i really do. i want my Father to laugh at my determination, to smile at my faith, because it's the kind of faith that says,

"i can do anything through Him because He makes me strong."