my scribbles

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

a fire in me



this is an old steven curtis chapman song i used to listen to as a kid. it's melody and words have been running through my head all day . . . it is incredibly relevant to how i am feeling today . . .

This is my heart's cry
I want to know the one who saved me and gave me life
This is my heart's cry to be so close to Him that all my life becomes
A testimony of my Savior's grace and love
This is my heart's cry

This is my heart's cry
Much more than just a great desire - it's like a fire in me
I hear my heart cry each time I think about the cross where Jesus died
The cross should have been mine but His love broke through time
And heard my heart's cry - he heard my heart's cry

Now every other hope and dream is lost inside of this one thing
To know the one who died for me and live my life for Jesus Christ
Is my heart's cry

So let my life become a testimony of my Savior's grace and love
Oh - this is my heart's cry - to stand before the Father one day
And hear Him say well done - this is my heart's cry

i run in circles . . .


i'm convinced that i walk this life in circles. always walking yet always seeming to find myself in the same place over and over and over again. i hate the monotony. i hate the stubborn heart i have that makes walking in circles nessesary for me to learn anything! i hate hate hate that this means that i didn't learn the lesson the first time around so He had to run it by me again...

i'm not sure where my story starts. the moral to this story seems to have an never ending quality to it. it is relevant as far back as i can see...

i think this chapter in the story started last night. last night was basketball night. it's something new we just got together. a bunch of us women just started playing basketball on sunday nights. it's really kinda cool. i feel a bit proud of us because although we are a bunch of out of shape women, we are holding onto something that we love. too many times we over look these things in the midst of jobs, kids, and lives. it's such a great outlet for those of us women that are always dropping our hobbies in order to be more responsible. plus we've kinda made it an outreach thing. that's what it was supposed to be anyway...so we bought the court opposite where our husbands play and it has been awesome. but last night it got kinda out of control.

see, all the sudden a bunch more guys started to show up to play on the other court and last night they asked us girls to play half court so that the guys could have one and a half courts. well i felt my pride was being stomped on and i got pretty upset. not to get into the nitty gritty but some of the guys that wanted to kick us off of our court hadn't chipped in for the rental of the facility at all and we had. . . and that's where it started to get ugly. ugly on the girls side and ugly on the boys side. because the guys that had paid were all pissed off that there were all these new guys stealing their court time, etc. one particular guy brought like 2 friends making it 23 guys playing on 1 court plus half of ours.

needless to say as soon as we got in the car me and lynz started bitching about how we got kicked off of our court because we were girls and just how unfair that was. our husbands in turn were mad that all these new guys showed up and they didn't get to play as much as they would have liked and i bet you could guess about how our drive home sounded . . . probably alot like that clanging symbol paul talks about to the corinthians...

skip to today.

i had a bit of a rough day. came home in a foul mood and proceeded to make dinner and do all the other things that there is no way one woman should ever be expected to do . . . and then jason ( my sister's boyfriend who does not know Christ ) came over for the evening. we were all making dinner and doing dishes together. eric had just walked in--on his cell phone, stressing out about work and i just hung up the phone after having a less than satisfactory conversation with my mom. needless to say jason walked into mayhem in our home. which is fine. we are comfortable enough with him to be real and yet hope that somehow Christ can shine through our brokeness.

amid the chaos jason says in a joking matter, "wow, you guys are about the most stressed out couple i know!"

that comment hurt me deeply but my hurt was swallowed by the fifty other things i had going at the time.

soon after we sat down to play cards and i was hoping to somehow redeem his view of us by showing him how much fun we could be...but i seemed to forget just how competitive eric and i are. the possibility of showing jason the love of Christ went out the window with a moment of hasty anger from eric when his spade's partner busted their shot of winning by going nill with more than 3 spades:) whoops...

meanwhile all this crap is stirring in me. i felt like my life was failing at getting jason, or anyone else to see the light that lives within me. i was frustrated and a bit embarrassed but God was on a roll and He just kept it coming.

so the phone rings in the middle of our spades game. eric answers it and it's a friend that he plays basketball with on sunday nights. it just so happened to be the friend that brought all the uninvited/unpaid friends to play basketball last night. the tension between all the guys last night was really heavy i guess and he just called to kinda--well to let eric have some insight into what exactly that selfish tension put into motion.

this guy invited these two friends stratigically to reach out to them. they just started going to our church and had an elevated intrest in getting to know some godly guys a little better. they came to play so they could create some community. and what did our guys do? they were hateful toward them. they were so into their own selfish game that they forgot that this was supposed to be a ministry. as did us girls. these two guys left feeling dejected. because not one of the guys--the "godly" guys from our church bothered to talk to them or make them feel welcome. in fact, one might say that they did the opposite so that maybe they wouldn't come back the next time. so that they would get more playing time and so that us girls wouldn't get kicked off half of our court . . .

eric came back into the room where we were playing cards looking a bit down. he told us all what the conversation was about and expressed how silly and embarrassed he felt about the whole thing. the whole time i'm thinking,

"some great difference we are showing to jason."

what a day!

i tried to lay down tonight and just sleep off this anxious feeling inside my belly--and i couldn't. so here i am--attempting to write it away at 1 in the morning, all the while feeling ashamed.

ashamed is the best word for what i am feeling. ashamed is actually the only word to desribe what i am feeling...

i am ashamed that my life isn't different all the time. ashamed that my life doesn't always glow with His light shining through me. i feel deeply deeply ashamed that the differences that non believers see in me are not the same ones that Christ talked about when He said in the words of matthew,

LET ME TELL YOU WHY YOU ARE HERE.

YOU'RE HERE TO BE SALT SEASONING THAT BRINGS OUT THE GOD FLAVORS OF THIS EARTH. IF YOU LOSE YOUR SALTINESS, HOW WILL PEOPLE TASTE GODLINESS? YOU'VE LOST YOUR USeFULNESS AND WILL END UP IN THE GARBAGE.

HERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO PUT IT.

YOU'RE HERE TO BE LIGHT, BRINGING OUT THE GOD COLORS IN THE WORLD. GOD IS NOT A SECRET TO BE KEPT. WE'RE GOING PUBLIC WITH THIS--AS PUBLIC AS A CITY ON A HILL. IF I MAKE YOU LIGHT BEARERS YOU DON'T THINK I'M GOING TO KID YOU UNDER A BUCHET, DO YOu? I'M PUTTING YOU ON A LIGHT STAND. NOW THAT I'VE PUT YOU THERE ON A HILLTOP, ON A LIGHT STAND--

SHINE!

KEEP OPEN HOUSE, BE GENEROUS WITH YOUR LIVES. BY OPENING UP TO OTHERS YOU'LL PROMPT PEOPLE TO OPEN UP WITH GOD, THIS GENEROUS FATHER IN HEAVEN.


i am so ashamed of my blandness.

i am in tears over my inability to show others what a difference Jesus Christ can make in their lives.

i am broken over the fact that i think i am so good, so christian, so right. when i am deeply unworthy of the grace and patience He shows me everyday.

there is a difference that Jesus has made in my life. it is huge and it is beautiful! and i long to show that to others. but the one and only way to show an authentic difference to others is to have an authentic difference to show.

tonight i purpose to live my life so close to Jesus that others can't help see Him through me.

so i guess the moral of my story is:


there is no better setting for a sighting of Him than a full surrender of me.--the uprising


Thursday, January 26, 2006

my heart song


if we all prayed this prayer--all day, every day.

living and breathing it kinda praying it--

i have a feeling that small group priority and lack of emerging leaders would soon be a non-issue.

Today, You. Tomorrow, You. The day after that, You. Not You in some vague general way. You in the specifics & down below churning at the core. You, in the deeds -the why & way of the acts that litter the landscape of the day. You, in the thoughts & reasonings that litter the landscape of my soul. You, in the meditations of my heart. You, in the conversations of my mouth. You, in the brutal slaying of your rivals to these my affections. You, in the quiet corners at red lights & lines in the grocery store. You, in the loud noise of my schedule & son & all trafficing plans in my head. You, in my best laid plans. Today, You. You, acknowledged. You, sought. You, admired. You, known. You, communed with, You, home. --THE UPRISING

simple thoughts. . .


my alarm clock went off at 5:30 this morning. call me crazy but i actually got up.

my first "leadership" group was this morning at 5:30 AM!!! wow, considering that my stay at home mom job requires me to get up around 9, that is a serious amount of sleep loss for me. but--it was good. it was stirring i should say.

we had a disscussion about people. about which people in our small groups we should make a priority to spend our time with. since we need to reproduce a group of leaders our current size some said--future leaders. those of us that have a beautiful heart and understanding for people said, whoever is hurting. i didn't say much--it's so unlike me to sit back and listen but i found hearing the "strategy" behind relevent relationships, all a bit confusing. as it all swirled around me and in my head i began to form different thought all together.

what if it isn't about us? what if our time means nothing. we consider our time to be some precious commodity not worth wasting. but the fact of the matter is that we are nothing. making our time mean even less. leaving room for Him to step in and make it mean more. perhaps this is one of those areas that we should quit embracing the natural and start embracing the supernatural.

as we discussed the importance of stratigic relationships and on the flipside the heartless way that this came across, i began to wonder what Jesus would say. not in a corny wwjd way but in a real way. Jesus had so much to say to people. not much to say about them--as if He wanted us to do the obvious and just follow His life.

after our conversation this morning i was desperate for an example of what Christ had to say about this matter. not soul care or any other book but simply the Son of God. surely He would be the one to have the answer to this puzzling question. . . and then i remembered the passage where the disciples (perfect biblical model for a leadership small group) asked Jesus who out of them was the greatest. I rushed home to find the "answer" only to find out the passage says something about becoming like a child. turns out becoming the biggest servant makes one the greatest in the kingdom of God. hmmm, equally puzzling. . . and illogical. He could have given an answer here. but He didn't. He left us to fill in the blank after we "become like a child". hmmm . . .

an idea was brought up this morning that i felt was too soon dissmissed. the idea was that we should simply follow Christ in life and thus relationships like He had will soon follow. if we truely passionately and emotionally follow Christ . . . why is that idea simplistic? if our only two instructions are to love God and love people than doesn't that mean we are to deal with anything that falls in anywhere in between those two catagories as it comes? isn't that a part of the personal process that He requires? isn't that a part of trusting and beleiving that what He says works?

seems to me there is no answer. only a process. a process of me learning to obey 2 rules. Love God. love others. and the rest is up to God and how He wants to work in my life. the rest--if i really do the first 2--i mean really do the first 2, the rest i should count as God's plan and His hand in my life. right? because He says, VERY SIMPLY . . .

"anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. you're not in the driver's seat, I am. don't run from suffering, embrace it. follow me and I'll show you how. self help is no help at all. self sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self." matt 16:24-25


and then . . .



"I am the world's Light. no one who follows me stumbles around in the darkness. I provide plenty of light to live in."

the pharisees objected, "all we have is your word on this. we need more than this to go on."

Jesus replied,
"you're right that you only have my word. but you can depend on it being true. I know where I've come from and where I go next. You don't know where I'm from or where I'm headed. you decide according to what you can see and touch. I don't make judgements like that. but even if I did, my judgement would be true because I wouldn't make it out of the narrowness of my expierience but in the largeness of the One who sent me, the Father. God's law says that you can count on the testemony of two witnesses. and that is what you have, my word and the word of my Father who sent me." john 8:12-18

so is it simplistic to do things fully relying on the Father or is it the only way we can really serve Him?

do we over think this mess?

do we count ourselves so important that we can make a logical process out of His illogical principles?

i think so.

love God, love others. that's what i will do. whether or not i get stretched too thin, whether or not i go through burn out or whatever else. it is a process but it is anything but a logical one. we must embrace suffering and follow Christ so why are we trying to map out the smoothest path? the path of least resistance?

now the coffee is speaking and i know i'm probably not making much sense. i'm still processing and praying over this issue. i am however, thankful for a group of women that i can discuss higher things with on a regular basis. i love the chaos that it stirs up in me. i love the seeking that i must do to hear God in these areas of mention.

so waking up at 5:30 hasn't been such a bad thing after all.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

joy and chaos


miss mireya is here, loud and clear. bringing with her times of joy and chaos!!! having my precious little newborn neice living in my basement is wonderful-- 'cause i can kiss her whenever i want:) she is a constant reminder of hope in my life. what could possibly be more hopeful than the beginning of new life. she is God's vote that life should go on. she is a treasure--she is the joy.

now for the chaos.

my mom called this morning.

she wants to know if her and my 7 year old brother can move into my extra bedroom for a few months--translation, when i have to make her leave!

whew.

what a shock--although it really shouldn't be. she is struggling emotionally, spiritually and financially. there are no plus's for me in this deal. but . . . i have a home big enough (barely) to fit 7 people. i'm just not sure if it would or could be sane!!! is this selfish of me to want to say no--or smart? she would drive me crazy.

of course she has all kinds of good reasons for this. for her. and isaiah. and ky. but can it be done? can i live with my mother, in my house and not go crazy? can my husband do it? who knows.

but i feel that i must leave the door open for God to work here. we said when we bought this house that we would have an open door policy. that the house was God's and only on loan to us to use for His purposes. but surely there is a mother/mother in law clause in there . . . i don't know.

i am listening for an answer here. not sure how to look at this dilemma. if i say no i feel like i am being heartless and unChristlike. if i say yes i think i will soon become heartless and unChristlike after having to live with my mother! why why why. sigh.

no clue what to do here. i think He has me right where He wants me. but--there's always a but...

Friday, January 20, 2006

playing life. . .



the other morning before preschool jaeda was on her floor playing barbies. it was about 10 til the time we needed to walk out the door and i was deeply fixed on getting everything together in order to make that happen. it was beginning to look like we were either going to be late or not go at all. i poked my head in j's room and asked her to put her shoes and socks on and then went in to the kitchen to clean up after breakfast. there must have been something lost in translation because jaeda did not put her shoes on like i asked. so i went back in and told her once again. she was deeply engrossed in her barbie play and tried to ignore my words. i then spoke up so she could better hear my words and break her from this barbie trance--yeah that didn't work either. so i sat down beside her and quickly helped her put her shoes on.

the biggest fit ever ensued.

"you're not fair, mommy! i was playing barbies! i don't want to put my shoes on. why do i have to put my shoes on? that's not fair! you knocked over my barbie's house! you're not fair!"

on and on it went--and boy it went far! she was kicking and screaming. unable to see the bigger picture. unable to see how it really was perfectly fair to ask her to put her shoes on-- in light of the fact that we were supposed to be somewhere in like seven minutes. somewhere she liked to go even! but she was so into what she was doing, a kind of alternate pretend barbie life that she couldn't see what was nessesary for the moment in the real world.

jaeda and i are so alike. the jaeda in my story is the me in God's tale. His ways don't look fair to me. because i am so engrossed in doing my own thing.
somewhere in that big book He said i should be like a child--and i am. but i'm not sure if it's the way that He meant. . .

i've been struggling with the idea of God being fair, and good and right. in order for me to beleive in God at all i must believe these three things. trust that He is these three things. but because i have made God out to be someone a little different than who He really is, He is going back and helping me ammend the mistakes in His profile.

so He has brought some unfairness into my life. in the whole scope of things it's really not that big of a deal. but it is to me. but this issue, as small as it may be, has brought these extreme feelings of anger toward God. since becoming a christian i tend to look the other way from unfair things. and by this i mean the terribly unfair. the starving, the abused, the hopeless, the poor, the murdered . . . the unfair list goes on and on. and i look the other way when these issues come up--because i have such a hard time beleiving in God and beleiving that He let these things happen. i know that if i look at these things my journey will go on a downward spiral.


if He really can do anything why doesn't He stop something?


this has been in my head these past few days as i've attemped to move through life without my Father. can i just add that the past week has totally sucked? there has been no light in my life and i can feel it. the people around me can feel it. i don't like myself without the Father shining through me daily. i don't like myself at all . . .

anyway, i have wrestled and i have cried the past few days over the injustices that i see in this world. i can't grasp why God wouldn't possibly help the hopeless, feed the hungry and create peace for the war torn. i don't understand His ways--i know that. but i miss Him. i miss His presence in my life, i miss His addition counteracting my subtraction. i miss the way He helped my love people and i miss the quiet tug on my soul. it's like i turned my back and started running the opposite way just as i started seeing the lines in His face. and i miss it like i've never missed it before.

I am a child--i can't understand but i MUST listen and obey. i must tear myself from my little life that i am playing long enough to catch a glimpse into his life, into THE LIFE.
i'm trying. i am trying to trust and obey. beleive and hope. and that is a step back on the path at least.

above all i need to stop looking around at my life and start seeing things through THE LIFE! because just like jaeda and her barbies i am too often to engrossed in my own alternate reality instead of living everyday in the shadow of His reality.


Sunday, January 15, 2006

the game goes on





i am like a child playing red light green light with God.

i blame Him for the red lights and take credit for the green. if i'm honest i am the one calling out the signals. because i am one of those annoying kids that call out the light changes for themselves--refusing to play the game fairly and effectively.

i am too ignorant to be self aware enough to know it is my shortcomings that allow the red lights to happen.

His light is always green.

it is my way of calling "uncle".

i am so engrossed in my own shortsighted narssisism to see that God is forever there, green light shining. and sadly i often my small voice for His great one. . .

as i am once again before a red light--or one percieved in my head--i am too hesistant, no too stubborn, to take action about my newly discovered self imposed stopping point.

so the game goes on, although it's not too fun.

red light, green light, red light, green light, red light.

Friday, January 13, 2006

walking away from the sun



in the past few weeks i have lived with a bigger God. a daily God. a very real and earthshaking God. this i have never done nor sought to do. God has been, you know just God in my previous existance. but my recent trust stuggles have lead me to this place where i've really been fully relying on Him for everything. it's been unspeakably amazing. and i'm left to wonder why i didn't do this before? find my worth and my ressurance in Him?

well throughout the journey there are highs and there are lows. as the highs get higher the lows get lower. after standing so close to the sun when the sunset comes it leaves me bereft of all warmth, of all comfort. and i miss it. and i long for it--for HIM.

so my sun dissapeared last tuesday.

it began as a terrific night, it felt like christmas eve all over again. you know that butterfly in your stomach anticipation? there was excitement in the air at our house because mireya was to be born the next day. my little sis, ky--that lives with us-- had a scheduled induction for early wednesday morning. this stubborn little baby that she had so long been carrying was about a week late so we were more than ready for this little one to make her appearance. and ky was readiest of all!!!

well on tuesday my cycle was 5 days late. when this happens i am anxious. it's all i can think about. i start dreaming and imagining to extents that just aren't healthy after trying for almost two years to produce another child. i have taken more negative pregnancy tests in the past 2 years than any woman should ever have to take. what i am trying to say is that i have the whole peeing on the stick thing down! we had an extra pregnancy test under the cabinet and i thought,

"hey, i might as well take the thing and get a negitive read so that all day tomorrow i won't be thinking about me, as ky labors, and i can just put the thought out of my head."

that really was my reasoning for taking the test. just to see a negitive read. the negative reads aren't as painful as they used to be. at first it hurt really bad to see only one line show up, now it's kind of a dull ache and then relief from all the hoping and not knowing.

and i must say that i have finally come to the place where i trust that if God wants us to have more children then it will happen. like it happenned for sarah, rachel and hannah. believe me i have wrestled with this. night after night, baby shower after baby shower. i really have found peace in the fact that He's got it covered, either way. that doesn't mean that when i am late for my period i am any less hopeful. but it does means that i'm no longer angry with Him for the second time infertility that He has laid in our family's path. i hope that makes sense.

anyway so i decide to take the test, flippantly almost. kinda like just get it over with so i know. so i proceed to do the norm. . .

pee on the stick.
leave the room.
come back in a few minutes later.
look at the test.

look at the test again.

look at the test again. and start to get my hopes up.

there were two lines on the test.

TWO LINES!


because this test was sitting under the sink minus the box, which had the directions and the KEY on it, i started to panic. "stay calm, stay calm. it's probably a different kind of test, lexi." i looked feverishly for the box to tell me what in the world a positive pregnancy read should look like--all the while my heart is singing,

"two lines! two lines! two lines means pregnant! two lines means pregnant!"

in an attempt to calm myself back into reality i called my friend lynz. i told her i was in a weird place, that i had two lines show up on a pregnancy test but i didn't have the key. she googled it and google said that two lines means pregnant. as soon as i heard that google said it than the butterflies in my tummy started going wild! but i told lynz not to let me get excited, not to let me get excited. although i was pretty much all ready to send out shower announcements in my head. trust me, i am a dreamer. and i am a fast dreamer! i already had the baby's room decorated in my head when we hung up the phone and we were only on the phone for 2 minutes...i then called eric to tell him to pick me up a pregnancy test as i didn't know if i could beleive the two lines on the one in front of me. i told him not to get his hopes up, all the while trying to play down the fact that i was so awesomely excited that this could be true. i hung up with him and called lynz back and attempted to verbally settle myself down by saying things like,

"this is stupid. it's not positive. i know it's not. don't let me get excited. don't let me get excited!"

i began to look under the cabinet for the box once again and found the little instructional pamphlet.

i wish i hadn't.

for 5 minutes i thought the test had a slim chance of being positive. then i took one wild glance at the pamphlet and amidst the hopes swarming in my head i read that two lines was positive!

there are no words to describe what i felt in those two seconds that i thought we was going to have a baby. . .

. . . then i managed to read it again rationally and realized that--

i had read it wrong.


three lines means pregnant. three lines. since when does three lines mean pregnant? i've taken alot of tests and had never seen anything but two lines mean pregnant . . . i finally got two and now it takes three.

i was still on the phone with lynz, ky was sitting expectantly on the bed in front of me. and i fell apart. i was trying to hold it together so that ky wouldn't think i was trying to make her baby's eve all about me. so that lynz wouldn't think i was wacky. so that i wouldn't feel so sorely dissappionted. i tryed to hold it together. but i couldn't even talk. i couldn't even move. i went from logical, to hopeful, to hurt, to angry. angry is where i am most comfortable. and angry is where i have stayed for the past few days.

i feel so incredibly angry that God would let it play out like that. i feel betrayed by a friend that i had finally come to trust. it's like when you get in trouble for trying to do something right. it feels unjust and it stings and you feel stupid. i have been walking and talking to this God for the past month. i have been learning to trust this God with everything i have. i have based all of that trust on the fact that He is the only one that cannot let me down and i feel like He did. i feel like He did . . .

i don't know why this is such a stumbling block for me. if i really trust Him i should trust that He did this for a reason. the same reason that He does everything else in my life. to draw me closer to Him. but i can't do that right now.

it's not about the negitive test as much as it is that He let it all happen that way. it's not that i don't trust Him to bring me a child when He is ready. i just feel like He let me get my hopes up to let me fall even harder. just one more shattered dream when i feel it didn't have to be. i could have just taken another two line pregnancy test and i wouldn't be spiraling like this. i would have seen the no baby line, briefly felt the no baby line and then gone about my business like i've done every other time. was it really nessecary? was it?

it seems mean to me. it seems heartless. so for the past two days i've cried. cried over everything and cried over nothing. after walking so close to the sun now that i am walking away into the shade i feel self conscious. i feel dissappionted. i feel scared. i feel alone and i feel cold.
not cold enough yet to walk back into the warmth of His rays. not until i can better understand why this all happenned. this thing that seemingly means nothing, means everything to me. it's not a baby thing. it's a trust thing. and i am trying to wrap my head around it and i can't.

i just can't.