undecided

i am currently job hunting. i don't know what i want to do or if i really want to do it (go back to work) but i am looking for employment. i have just begun an active search as of today. and i am already frustrated! i guess i just want God to drop the perfect thing in my path and i don't know why i think that this will happen . . . this is obviously not the way God has chosen to work with me in the past but. . . i don't know. i want something i can enjoy and i want something that i feel makes a difference. i guess i don't want to get myself stuck in a job i hate and have to stay there for money reasons or whatever. i feel like right now i am in this awesome place where i just have to make enough to cover j's daycare and the payment of some nagging bills and i'll be set. it's not like i need to bring home a huge salary, i just need to get us to where we don't feel like we are playing catch up every month! what i really want to do is to go back to school but i need to save up and payoff a student loan off before i feel like i can do that. so that leaves me here--in this weird place where i really don't want to waste my pick.

i feel like most of my life has been spent here. not in dr. suess's "waiting place" but instead--the picking place. where i am facing a big decision in my life and am terrified that i will "waste my pick", as i am prone to say.( my friends and family are groaning right now--i can hear them! they hate it when this topic comes up) i have lived my life in the shadow of the wrong choice. i can feel it looming over me when there is any choice to be made. whether it is choosing my dinner at a familiar restaurant or deciding on a life mate--i am terrified of "wasting my pick". it is really that bad! i obsess over the most insignifigant options because of this silliness. but it is a silliness that is ever so real to me.

i almost missed sharing the rest of my life with eric because of this ridiculous obsession. it honestly came down to me saying, " no matter if there is some ethereal 'better pick' out there he is the one i will be thinking about for the rest of my life--the one i will be comparing every other potential pick to, so really he is my 'best pick'." terribly unromantic--yes. kinda weird, definately. but did i do it--you betcha!

it is once again a control issue. i would love to think that i can control my life. . . and although i spend every day trying to convince myself otherwise, did i still obsess over picking which outfit i would wear today? yes i did . . . sad, but true. you don't have to tell me that this idea of "wasting my pick" is Biblically unfounded because boy do i know that. but like i have talked about so many times, i feel as if i can't transfer this great knowledge into my practical life.

so, this job desision falls into the ever so important picking place. . . do i choose to work a meaningless job? hold out for a more productive one? or opt to continue on as a full time mom (now that i am considering the possible reality that i may never have a three year old to stay home with ever again)?
i can't help but say it--i just don't want to "waste my pick".

carousel

i'm probably going to be overly dramatic and meloncholy in this post-- just a fair warning. . .

so i think i'm a carrier for a very serious and expensive condition. don't be worried, it hasn't hurt anyone but me yet. it seems like everyone i know (or come in contact with) is pregnant! so i've decided that there is no other conclusion to draw beside this! i am attempting to make humorous a serious struggle of mine. i'm not sure if it's working. . .

so eric and i have been trying since may 2004 to make another baby. although the trying is always fun :) the lack of a second dickens baby has been a bit disheartening. because i grew up with three sisters, all of us a year and a half apart, i'd always planned to have my babies fairly close together in order to give them the kind of bond that only years of fighting and arguing can create :) well jaeda's almost 4 now and still no baby. i can't tell you how tough this has been on us. it doen't seem fair that jaeda was dropped in our lives in such an untimely fashion and now that the timing seems right, we can't seem to concieve. the year long battle over this issue has been a silent one. God has not only witheld a baby from eric and i, but He's chosen to bless everyone around us with a bunch of the squirmy little things! therefore it's been hard to share my struggles with any of my close friends . . . in fear that they'll feel that i'm not abundantly happy for their blessings.

i feel as if i'm reminded of my empty arms every day. like today i watched little abby hubbard. she's a little angel baby. i hardly heard a peep from her all day! only three months old and just perfect manners :) i was so excited to have some baby time but i think it just made me even sadder when she had to go! i so wish i had one of my own. then lynz called to say that she went to her 36 week appt and is already dialated to a 2! this baby's about ready to come out! when the perry baby is here i think it's going to be hard to handle. watching lynz do what we talked about doing together for so long. i'm so so happy for them, especially after their loss and the scare that they expirienced earlier in this pregnancy, but i have these guilty jealousy pangs. . . not that it should be me instead of my dear friend lynz, but that i'm missing out on the fun and only want to share it! it is never my intention to take away the joy of each little baby that's brought into my life.

trust me, i know what you're thinking . . . i should be happy with the one child that i have, right? maybe that's what i'll tell the next person who asks me when i'm going to give jaeda a little brother or sister. that i am happy with the one i have. . . i don't know. this is really, really pathetic, but also really, really, real. i guess i am tired of acting like it's all okay. okay that my timing isn't God's timing. okay that i may never again feel the first flutters of life in my belly. okay that i'll never get a newborn laid on my chest post delivery. okay that i'll never get a baby shower or recieve excited reactions to the words, "i'm pregnant". i'm tired of acting like that's all fine and okay with me! for a moment i'd just like to say how it's not okay. how it hurts. how it's puzzling to me. is that okay?

i feel like this last year i've been on a carousel of emotions regarding this topic. i've felt sad, angry, lonely, frustrated, resolved, patient, content and even indifferent. but the thing is, the longer i am on this carousel the dizzier i get--i get so disoriented that i don't even know how i feel anymore. somedays i'm okay with it, trying ever so hard to trust that God has my best in mind and then other days i just long for a positive pregnancy test. i really wouldn't know how to sympethize with someone in my same situation because with the abscence of a child comes not just one emotion but like i said--a spinning carousel of them.

my mountain

so i have officially labeled myself a "fixer" and i'm not very happy about it. i think that i've previously avoided the "fixing" title because it makes me seem . . . nosy or bitchy. i now confess that i am both of the above but . . . i don't want to be either.

my fix-it-ness has become oh so evident lately in my dealing with friends and family. . . i just want the best for everyone! if those i love are making a wrong choice i want to save them from their mistakes. i know that lessons can't be learned this way but lately i don't really care. i just have this overwhelming desire to "fix" all the problems that i can. just typing this makes me feel a little like a hypocrite and a control freak--the two kinds of people i most despise. somewhere inside, i know the reason that all these problems are getting to me right now is that i have not taken advantage of the cliched practice of "giving them to God". in my head i know this is my fault. but do i keep obsessing over everything? yes, of course.

God is just waiting in the wings for me to say the word for him to take this obsessive worrying away so why don't i take advantage of that? i think if eric was to tell me that he could take care of everything for me i would jump at the chance of unburdening myself so why is it so different when it's God who's offering? hmmmm. . . does that mean i don't trust Him?

there stands a peakless mountain between knowing that you are supposed to give things to God and actually doing it. i'm at the base of that mountain, looking up--not sure i even want to attempt the ascent.

little women

i've been rereading this book, my childhood favorite. wow, what lessons there are to be learned from this wise little book! i don't know how many find this book as heartwarming as i do but little women has always been such a "blue sky" read for me. i often find myself reflected in the charecter of jo. watching this character struggle with her temper and her place in life is such an aid to me, where i'm at today. i can totally relate to jo's disposition of being clumsy and inappropriate despite all her efforts to simply be loved. i've always identified with her in being the 2nd of four girls, odd and obstanant, and boyish and strong. the other charecters were always such a comical picture of my sisters to me. meg being jess, getting married early and mothering obsessively. beth being ky, sweet and kind, everyone's favorite, and always knowing the right thing to do to help. and then amy as vannah, mostly just the big baby of the family, with selfishly expensive tastes and big intentions. the book has always rung true to the story of me and my sisters except for the fact that i gave in and married "my boy" and jo refused to!

i've always celebrated this book but it's never been much more to me than a sweet story. re-reading the book through these new adult eyes of mine reveals that it is much, much, more than that.

this time i read it i learned so much about myself and how to conquer my problems through jo, as always. but now as a wife and mother learned much through marmee and meg too. marmee is the model mother and is always teaching her children through her example . which is something i fail to take into consideration every day!

then meg was a model mommy and put her marriage on the back burner thinking that was the right thing to do and then faulted her husband for their marital problems and his abscence in their children's lives. it was through a very wise word from her honest mother that revealed that it was meg that was in the wrong and not her husband. meg was putting her children before her husband which is a very dangerous mistake to make in a young marriage. a mistake that very often is reasoned away but always results in a broken connection and sometimes even in a broken marriage.

how did i ever miss this terrific piece of truth the other 67 times that i've read this book? what an all important lesson that could have helped so much in eric and i's early stages of life together. i see so many great mommies making this mistake today. one would figure that such an ancient problem would have some modern answers but we are still struggling with the same things today.

this may be a bit of a soapbox but where are these kinds of lessons being taught today? we get plenty of math, science and english at school but where and when are we supposed to learn how to be effective adults? not only are there many relational lessons going unlearned but lessons of practical significance like, what is health insurance and how does it work, what is 401k, how do you buy a house, how to manage money effectively etc. there are so many lessons going untaught and then as a consequence, unlearned. who is there to teach us these all important lessons beside our good friends, trial and error? i am totally rambling. . .

i really had so much fun re-reading this wise classic and it's little life lessons have produced so much thought that i've made a resolution to re-read all my old favorites, examining them closely for any wisdom that my have been overlooked by my once juvinille eyes.

extreme nostalgia

you know i got to thinking today about beginnings and endings. my favorite song ever is called, The Last Dance, by sarah mclaughlin. oddly enough it is instrumental but it seems to touch my heart like no other song ever has. it is beautiful and wistful, dramatic and a bit sad. i loved the song before i ever heard its title yet the title intregues me. what is so romantic to me about firsts and lasts?

this simple thought is so complex when studied. i mean firsts and lasts often happen simultaneously, yet some are celebrated and some mourned. how does one choose which will be celebrated? take your child's first steps for instance. we praise them and encourage them in this new beginning as if we were not also celebrating an end. because when we watch a first step being tenatively taken we also wave good-bye to that little one's rambuncious crawl. a sad ending that no one takes account for in the wake of a new beginning.
and take funerals for example. . . shouldn't they be the most celebrated of all lasts? think of it . . . they paid their last bill, they were issued their last critism, they suffered their last loss, they felt their last paper cut and now they are free from it all! they have been ushered off to a place of new beginnings, yet this time we choose to mourn the end and not celebrate the noteworthy beginning. . . it seems as if there is no rhyme or reason behind it all.
graduation from high school is highly celebrated in our society yet i'm sure looking back,we would all agree, that we wish that simple time hadn't left us so quickly. why then do we usher it off with a party that makes it seem as if we are saying, "thank God you are done with that part kiddo--the best is yet to come." ? if i could go back i'm sure that this is one ending that i'd want to mourn instead of celebrate!
more and more i find that i am a bit morbidly facinated with "lasts". maybe i'm a strange person but sometimes during a rather meaningless task i'll pause, melodramatically and ask myself, "what if this is the last time i ever talk to this person, or see this sight or feel this way. what if. . . "
maybe i'm what you would call an extreme nostalgic but i find myself celebrating and mourning little lasts all throughout my life-- and even looking for meaningful lasts in the lives of others. when i hear of a tragedy in someone's life i wonder what their last words were to their spouse and children? when i read a good book i seal in my mind the last words printed on the last page. i guess i am just a little weird like that. but i cherish the beautiful finality that comes with each and every last. . . and somewhere inside i celebrate them as if they were firsts.

friends

i am so rich. . .friend rich that is. today was just a day full of friends. old friends, new friends, comfortable friends and complex friends. but friends nonetheless!

today, in the midst of all the phone calls and e-mails that a normal day now consists of, i found myself remembering eric and i's first few years of marriage. i guess you could say friends then, were few and far between. i remember celebrating our 2nd new years as young marrieds and all we wanted the next year to bring us was friends. to walk beside us, to have fun with us and even to challenge us. all that and more did the third year bring.

now i am overflowing with friendships! from old friends like mandy to new ones like rhonda, this girl cannot be more blessed with close friends of all kinds!

i once heard it said that friendship is when someone knows everything about you and loves you anyway. that is definately true in my case. these girls have so much dirt on me, you can't even imagine!!! but they continue to love me . . . no matter what . . . the beauty of their friendship will never cease to amaze me.

summer of 2005

there is nothing i enjoy more than my family sharing a meal with our best friends the perry's. paul and lynz have meant so much to us these past 2 years. they are really amazing people. i am so blessed to be doing life with them.


they are the kind of friends that we can sit around and talk with for hours and never get bored. they even share our psychotic love of games and competition . . . we've actually had our worst arguments over basketball and board games! they are intense people, like us and it is amazing to me that God put us together like he did.

i still remember reluctently going to that first small group and finding out that they lived right down the street from the house that we had just put a contract on! at that point i thought to myself, this could be really good or really bad. if i had only known what God had in store for us!

the perry's have become family to us. j and m are like sisters . . . trust me, not only do they love like sisters but they fight like sisters too!

tonight as we sat around the table with the girls yelling at each other, the boys each on their cell phones and lynz and i rolling our eyes at the whole situation, i got this warm fuzzy feeling. a feeling that at first i couldn't describe and then it just came to me. this is one of those moments that my heart never wants to let go of. in moments like these i instinctively pause and my soul takes a picture--so i will never forget the chaotic, yet easy going summer evenings of 2005. you see, from here on out it will never again be the same. this is the last summer lynz and i will be stay at home moms together. this is the last summer that we will be the 6 of us. this is the last summer for both of those things and all the things that come with them, like our florida vacation, our late night taco bell runs, our endless pool days, our spontaneous trips to the zoo or oceans of fun, our mid morning work out and our naptime best friend chats. although all the changes will definately be positive, it is still change nonetheless. there is a part of me that just wants the world to stop turning, for but a moment, so we can squeeze it all into the last part of this summer of endings, before the fall of beginnings.

get real

i love how roy's words are not confined to the walls of the church. the most important part of his message--for me anyway--takes place after i leave. today was all about image. how our society is so obsorbed in how people "see" us that we forget to examine who we really are. this topic is one of heavy discussion around shoal creek. i guess when you try to create an authentic community true authenticity has to be examined.

really, who is authentic? what is authenticity? what would it look like if everyone were authentic? in a day and age where image is everything and truth is nothing does authenticity even have a place? it seems to me that literally everything i do and say in a day's time is motivated by some kind of self protective measure. i'm continually trying to make someone think i am smart, rich, tough, or happy. when i am in fact of average intellegence, broke, weak, and having a crappy day. i don't hide my humanity in overly obvious ways of course. i manage to do it in ways that i barely notice myself.

why in the world do we go to such lengths to make people think a certain way about us? what is it that drives us humans to act like someone so different from who we are? and as a christian, does that mean that Christ is not enough for me? the fact that i work so hard to get people's approval even though Christ already loves me "just as i am" seems like a slap in the face. what if i no longer labored to appear any different than who i am? how different would my life be if i truely loosed the chains of self protection and walked upright in the freedom that Christ already paid for?
this kind of behavior is so like the behavior of our ancient reletives back in eden. except they hid themselves for good reason. we walk around with our costumes on for people we don't know. i'm just rambling but i have a point don't i? i mean if Christ's harshest words of critisism were reserved for the high religious officials in his day then what would He have to say to me?

what would He say to me?

love and marriage. . .

our wedding....awwww we're so cute!!!

we went to a wedding today. a beautiful, beautiful wedding! there is something about a good wedding that makes me want to talk about it for days. this was that kind of wedding. the colors were brown and pink, they were taken to the reception via trolley, the reception was at figlio towers on the plaza and to top it all off, the bride and groom were ridiculously in love. what more could a girl ask for, right? i mean the ceremony was even perfect. who has a good ceremony anymore? it was deeply meaningful and personal, funny even. it was actually the ceremony that brought a tear to my eye. the pastor said the most amazing thing--

he said, "up to this point everything has been about compatibility. it has all been about whether seth's strengths were enough or whether holly's weaknesses were too much. well, compatibility stops here--with this vow. from here on out it is commitment that drives this relationship. from here on out you no longer ask yourself, 'is he/she the one?'. you must now say to yourself, 'he/she is the one i chose and what now, does love require of me'."

wow!

it's amazing how this one thought ( getting it or not getting it) can make or break a marriage. i can honestly say that it almost broke mine. i went into marriage knowing that divorce was bad but thinking that if i wasn't treated right (aka exactly how i wanted) that God would understand. so therefore every bad fight we had i would break out the "d" word. . . pushing eric further and further away. it was amazing what happened to our marriage when we ushered the option of divorce out of our lives. when our mindset changed from compatibility to commitment we discovered a new level of intimacy. what heartache we would have been spared if someone had shared this practical thought at our wedding.

imagine if people actually had meaningful words said at their wedding ceremony. i wonder if more marriages would make it. . . it's funny what we, westerners do in the name of tradition. do you know how many weddings i've been to that i've wanted to scream at the officiant and tell him to say something that matters??? i just want to tell him to scrap the script and say something from his heart! instead of having people say important things at the most sacred ceremony most of us will ever take part in we just have some guy we don't know ramble on about things no one is listening to or understanding. why do we continue to bother with these empty traditions? if nothing important is said anyway, why don't we just skip that part and go straight to the reception?

funny, sometimes what we do without thinking leads to many things to think about. . .

desperate housewives

you'll never guess what i did tonight . . . i cooked. i know, i know, i don't cook (not very often anyway). i didn't just cook, i cooked 8 meals in 2 hours!!! okay, okay--i'll admit it, my new best friends at social suppers in riverside helped me a little--okay, alot! it really was the coolest thing. a big group of us went. it was rhonda, amy j, amy h, tracy, amy b, megan, sue, christina, and me. we all signed up and paid to go prepare meals that were all laid out and ready to be thrown together. not just any meals but things like almond crusted chicken and chicken mirabella, pinapple and honey pork chops and more . . . so much more! it was really cool. i just wanted to walk around and giggle! that was my kind of cooking. we had appetizers and wine, with a side of fun conversation as we effortlessly prepared a myriad of different meals (that there is no way i could make at home)! we had a little jon mayor playing in the background and there were people cleaning up after us!!! it was seriously like i had died and gone to heaven in a warm, organized, and crazy, clean kitchen! with all my friends! i can't even tell you haw much fun it was. and i have dinner made for the next two weeks!!!if any of you live in the area, you really must try it for yourself. just go to socialsuppers.com and feel like a domestic goddess!!!

smelly things

today, upon exiting a port-a-potty,my brother isaiah asked me the most profound question. "why does God make smelly things?" he said.

out of the mouth of babes...

i know we've all asked this question before. Maybe not in such practical terms but . . .

my grandmother was diagnosed with a cancerous brain tumor earlier this week. She goes tomorrow to get her first round of radiation. wow, why does God make such smelly things? today was the first day i really let myself feel the disappiontment of my grandma's news--a.k.a. i cried. i can't really put my finger on the source of my disappiontment. she is eighty, alone, and probably very much looks forward to being freed from her burdomsome body. but i see so much more life inside of her--for my sake. i see pain for those of us who will miss her dry humor and witty conversation. i see regret for not taking advantage of the time i've been granted to spend with such a strong lady. i am so selfish in my questioning of smelly things. if i tell myself the truth, it is really never, "why do smelly things happen to all those other poor people". it's really only, "why do i ever in my life have to smell these smelly things?!?" these questions only seem important when the bad things are hurting me, see. how pathetic.

concerning my grandmother's tumor, i seem to switch between two emotions in a rather bi-polar fashion. one minute, the unfeeling part of me is saying that she has lived a good life. that this is part of the never ending circle and just because this time i have to sacrifice a link close to me in order for it to continue shouldn't make me sad but respectful. and then i feel awful for even thinking that! and the drama takes over. this is my precious grandmother!!! whose persistance i have inherited, whose comitment to family i have donned. i have every right to be broken over this! . . .all the things left unsaid. . .all the stories never told!!! she can't die . . . and then i realize that this is not about me . . .but in typical lexi fashion, i effortlessly made it all about me.

smelly things. . .why did God ever make them?

running in circles

chaotic . . . disorderly . . . shapeless . . . complicated . . . muddled. . .

if you happen to look any of these words up in the dictionary, do me a favor and check to see if an appropriate synonym is, "lexi's life"!

does that describe my day?
uhhhh!! it just felt like every time i gained some ground in whatever i was working on, i was forced to change directions. one minute required sympethetic mommy mode, and then i'd switch to creative desiner, and then back to mommy mode and then to chauffer, and then chef, and then babysitter, and then understanding wife, and then kind friend at a going away party. . . i really could go on! you know, if i could just go in one direction a day i really could really be so much more effective!



kid quote for the day
isaiah age 7--when asked if he would like to trade ky ky for the brother that he wants so badly he said, "no but maybe savannah . . ."!!!

www.justmeblogging

i decided to look at some blogs this afternoon while jaeda was napping. (for those of you who don't know-my choosing of how the free time during nap is to be spent is a very stratigic choice) you know, i thought since i'm brand new to the whole blogging world i should see what everyone else was blogging about. so i went to abi creed's blog and read her new entry which was fun . . . and then saw a link to her sister's blog which was suprisingly enlightening. i guess i shouldn't use the word "surprisingly" there, it sounds like i am insulting her! truth be told i don't know abi's sister so whatever i found on her blog should have been a surprise! but seriously-- i found myself totally enspired by abi's sister's life. she is an amazing stay at home mom!!! she is totally up on her global news and is actively involved with different causes worldwide. her 3 kiddos are widely cultered and her life reads like the (still undiscovered) happily-ever-after part of cinderella! she and her kids are so active and creative. her blog was truly inspiring to a rookie in her same field of work. i was so uplifted by abi's sister's (i didn't catch her name) blog that i decided i would look for other bits of encouragement in the blogging community. . . (insert your typical scary music here)

so i pushed that curious button at the top of the blog that is labeled, "next blog". . .i bypassed a few fellow bloggers that didn't speak my language until i found an interesting looking blogger named--madame flamingo. now this madame flamingo was a not so uplifting character. she is a 24 year old drama teacher who just moved from michigan to the mojave desert and is severly embittered with life. i shouldn't say that because i really know nothing of her except for the way she feels on the topic of stay-at-home-moms. now don't misunderstand me, my dislike for her does not stem from the obvious disagreement between the two of us on this particular subject. no, not at all, but rather her closemindedness about it all. her article was very unintellegently written and down right mean! you can see for yourself at madameflamingo@blogspot.com. she didn't sound like a very happy person at all and boy was i going to fix her!

that unyeilding instinct to set the world right caused me to (of course) spend jaeda's entire nap responding to her nasty post. I guess this afternoon with madame flamingo's blog was not all for naught. i have reluctently learned an all important lesson . . .

don't push the "next blog" button while home alone!
(maybe someday i'll learn--not to open, but to securely shut, that curious, half-open, door!)

beach days

so i wonder why all days can't be beach days. you know the kind? where your biggest obstacle is a little sand in the bikini bottom . . .
days like today make me beg for a bit of sand in my swimsuit !

hmmm . . . it was just setback after setback . . .
it started with the phone call i got from jess, my older sister, with news that my newly pregnant little sis, ky, was expiriencing some unpregnancy like symptoms. yeah, bad news. so jess ended up coming over to my house with her two kiddos. which was fine--great really. jae loves her 5 year old cousin austin and when the two of them get together we usually don't hear a word from them. i already had an extra little one running around, because lynz needed some help wih emma today, so i figured, "what's a few more?"

the plan was for jess to watch jae while i went with ky to her appt. well ky didn't end up wanting me to go with her so we just ended up hanging out here for a while. then my mom came over, for some unknown reason, and added my seven year old brother into the mix. five kiddos and four grown ups--you'd think we'd have it under control, right? no not so much. the kids were running around like crazies and we were just watching and talking. somehow playing in the closet turns into austin's fingers get slammed in the door by my oh so innocent 3 year old . . . and of course my brilliant daughter does nothing half way, so when i say she slammed the door-- i mean she took his whole pinky nail off in the process! so here we are with an er run and a possible misscarriage all in one exciting crappy un-beachy july day. one question--what's next?

florida musings

babies on the beach . . . i can't think of anything that i like better. there's just something special about seeing something so small standing on the egde of something so big . . .

things about our florida vacation that just make me happy

jaeda "feeding" the waves sand
watching jaeda walk down the beach with her daddy
our breakfast picnic on the beach
getting eric's and my portriat drawn at pier 61
our first night in the super king size bed
jaeda's face when she got a big red kiss from snow white
paul's mom's spinach dip
paul's blue chip advantage at the car dealership in tampa

married with children

my family . . .
definately the most sparkly part of my life. they just make me happy--most of the time anyway. my husband eric and daughter jaeda are the two great loves of my life! eric's my rock . . . the one I've always depended on. we've known each other for 11 years now. just long enough to love like only kids could and fight like. . . well, like only kids would! our four year marriage has seen a little of everything. . . and I'm sure there's much more to come. . . hopefully there's much more to come! ! !
jaeda is my God-sent conscience. she keeps me in check daily. she literally hears every word i say and will repeat it if deemed necessary! seriously, this little girl has ment so much to me in the short time that God has given her to me. i can't say enough about the wisdom that came to me wrapped in this little blue eyed package. children are so fresh from the divine that sometimes they fortuitously sprinkle heaven's fairy dust and leave us eternally impacted. other times they just simply drive us crazy! ! ! for the former i am thankful, for the latter--i am blessed. It is the little bit of insanity and mystery in children that brings me closer to the understanding of their Creator and mine. a creator for whom i will have many questions when He decides to "recall" this "model"! for the time being she is not only my daughter but my job . . . one that i work not just full time but all-the-time! we are very blessed that i can stay home and learn from her each day. a position which i may have to forgo before long . . . but i'll leave that for another day. jaeda is a very smart and gorgeous 3 and a 1/2 year old who challenges me daily. which i love and hate. she acts as a mirror to me and through her i see myself more clearly. i love her to the sky and as i tell her every day, no matter how big she gets she'll always be my baby. . .