missing parts

i'm convinced i'm missing parts. not the creative ones, or the free thinking ones. i've got plenty of daydreaming parts and lots passionate and opinionated ones. i'm missing the responsible ones. and on days like today i hate it.

sometimes i act like i hate responsible ideas and notions. some of that is my free spirit wanting to roam...some of it is simply--that i can't do responsible...and it really pisses me off. so i discount it all. but if i take a deeper look...i wish i had some responsibility...but no matter how hard i concentrate or try--responsible is a piece i'm missing. it's kind of a large piece. it includes the parts that perceive time and abilities, returning phone calls and emails. remembering names and needs. it includes the parts that keep track of schedules and plans. it includes the parts that hurt other people's feelings when you are late, or forget about them all together...or never make the plans because...wellllll...planning isn't your thing.

days like today i sit and stew in self contempt. the world i live in prizes responsibility and try as i may...i just don't have any. i wanna throw my hands in the air and scream,

"no offense! to anyone! i don't mean to be irrespnisible. i'm not doing it to irritate you or be cute."

days like today i feel trapped in my inability to remember. as dramatic as it sounds, i feel a bit handicapped...and a little blue sticker with a wheel chair on it just won't do it for me. i wanna warn everyone that i meet..."no expectations please, i'll let you down. i won't return your call, i won't remember our appointment, i'll really screw things up along the way. none of it is because of you. it's because i can't remember...as stupid as that sounds!"

irresponsible: not responsible: as
a : not answerable to higher authority
b : said or done with no sense of responsibility
c : lacking a sense of responsibility
d : unable especially mentally to bear responsibility

this is me. like it or not. this is all i got. no sense of shame you pour on my head is going to change it. no matter how often i beat myself up about it...here is where i need your grace. is grace enough for such a stupid thing?

He speaks in song and scent

my soul has been in a deep winter.

cold. snow. fights. storms. head in my hands, staying in--wrapped in myself. going to bed alone. slamming doors. dark. dead.

today, i felt spring's life quicken inside my icy soul. thawing. melting.

so often my heart is challenged by the obvious senses of sight and sound. i read something amazing or someone says something challenging or i see something, beautiful or ugly--and it pricks my heart and makes it beat faster...and i understand i should confess...and change directions. so often i limit the Creator to the ordinary...thinking that's what He prefers. i forget He's wild and i domesticate Him and think He'll speak to me in the morning...during the time i read my Bible...or not at all. so i don't hear Him the rest of the day--unless he yells in song and scent.

today my savior serenaded me. i was sitting at my desk, checking the normal things i check--one foot in front of the other routine, and a song without words came on pandora. it knew me. ("the winter" by balmorhea.) my heart stopped and listened. the smell of my new lilac candle filled my nostrils and my icy heart started dripping.

sometimes every once in awhile, the Creator of all my senses sings me a love song in lilac and violin...something so tender and personal--just for me. and my heart melts at the sound...His gentle touch reminds me of His presence...and i am on my face in worship.

He's felt so far away lately and nothing has been making sense without Him. in that moment, He drew near to me...little ol me. and i could feel Him as if He were sitting in the room with me and got up to wrap me up in His arms. a graceful gesture. i've been unlovely and unlovable lately. stubborn and silly. distracted and willful. stormy and weak minded. and He, God of all sights , smells and sounds alighted upon me--held me close, took my face in His hands and demanded all my attention. because He loves me and i'm His. i give Him no other reason...i can't.

He whispered in my ear all kinds of things i wrote down with my hands. in that lilac perfumed moment i felt suspended. like nothing mattered but me and Him. nothing mattered but pleasing Him.

and life quickened inside my dead heart. He stirred me. and i feel awake/alive. that must be how the flowers feel when He whispers spring into their earthy little souls.

i caught a glimpse of something beautiful in that moment. a moving picture i'd like to recreate. about my soul's winter and the signs of spring. asking the question of whether my actions create life or death...that's the short story. i hope to tell the long story soon...

this all sounds crazy i'm sure. but, when He touches you, you can't help but tell the story.

this is me and this is all i got. crazy or not.

good enough meet lexi

i am a dreamer. i push and pull towards illusions i see in my head. these things are the strings my artistic hands are tied to. my artsy actions have a rhyme or reason. i am always measuring them by own set of commandments to live by.

do something different
follow your instincts
do the beautiful impractical things
don't second guess yourself
don't do things twice.
don't cut corners.
don't take the easy way.
no halfway.
no compromise.


when i am done creating...based on the looks of my physical creation and these commandments--i ask myself,

"would i be proud to show this to anyone, anywhere, at anytime? am i comfortable with someone seeing this piece of work and viewing it as a representation of who i am as an artist?"

and if not...i keep working...

HOWEVER...

my normal has been challenged. some lovely people have introduced me to

[MORE REALISTIC DREAMS].

well...i never.

they challenged a few of my commandments with ideas of streamlining creativity into something that can be reproduced without me...something that will continue to grow and build on the past instead of bury an old dream (that's been done before) and come up with a new fresh one.

i guess i thought doing things again was going halfway. i guess i thought it wasn't excellent. i guess i thought it was cheap or easy.

this WAS MY TRUTH. i've never seen life any other way...and i'm still having a hard time even after being introduced.

BUT...

if this thing is about Him and not about me...that changes everything. that means my limitations can't hold up the train. that means my urges and opinions can't run the show. my artistic emotions don't really mean a thing.

if scribble or brighton road or ANY artistic endeavor i have is going to grow...me and my ideals must get outta the way of reality.

good enough...meet lexi. lexi? good enough.

no cringing. no wincing. no getting around it. good enough is okay sometimes. everything doesn't have to revolve around me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

small step outta blah...

i'm going through a lonely low spot...as i often do in the fall time. something about less sun and more blah--it just gets to me. and i drag that blah into my relationship with Him, and my husband and my kids and my friends and my family until i'm here. and here is ever so restless.

i'm sick of the blah. i hate the blah. the blah drives me mad.

today i decided--i'm gonna do a kind thing for someone else every day for the next month. perhaps that can change my story and break through my blah. today i did something ever so small and for a second my heart smiled. and He smiled. and i knew. that THAT is what i'm made for...He didn't make me for blah. my lost heart found it's way home to an old safe spot but longs for the heights and risk and wind of following Him.

here's my small step outta blah...

a f r a i d

i am afraid. i am afraid of moments that i feel unwanted, unloved, ugly and betrayed. i am afraid. i am afraid of tornados and crawly things that don't belong in my house.
i am afraid. i am afraid of death and dirty towels and disease.
i am afraid. i am afraid of people with smoggy souls and small spaces and weed.
i am afriad. so very very frightened of it happening again.
i am afraid. so very very scared of bad surprises and startling violence.
i am afriad. so very fearful of long stretches of nothing. nowhere to go. nothing important to do.
i am afraid. so terrified that i don't matter and neither do you.

this fear...it strangles and controls me. it makes my every move for me. i live in this anxiety. although there is not much living done.

until He comes along. He says PEACE. BE STILL. and i am. i can't help but be. He makes all this nervous anxiety that most are on meds for be quiet. because when He's there He tells me who i am. He tells me who He is. and He tells me He controls it all.

He makes the loudest, angriest words and situations sound like a lullaby. He tells me i am beautiful...that He made this casing of skin and bones for my soul to live in...nothing else. He tells me i'm His...and He'll never turn away. He says He controls the skies and all the clouds and storms. He laughs at my paranoia of spiders and slimy things and tells me they are His too. His bigness brings them down to size. He tells me that death brings me to a life i've never known and assures me He is there and i will love it. He whispers stories to me of scary people and paints them as only children that He made and who sadly refuse to choose Him. He tells me there is nothing i can touch or catch that He cannot cure. He tells me there is nothing anyone can do to me that He cannot heal. He said He watches over me when i sleep. He tells me He is with me in an elevator, a crowded room or in an open field. He tells me not to worry about being in control...that there is not a place in my life He needs or expects it. He tells me He directs my steps just to be careful not to let go of His hand. He says He's glad i am still surprised by bad because He never intended it for my eyes. He says He holds me. He says He directs my every step...and not to fear if i'm taking small ones. He says not to worry about being significant. He is significant enough for us all.

He takes my fears and breaks them. He turns up His voice and down the others. He holds me...whispers to me...all the things i've always wished someone would tell me.

He tells me who i am by telling me who HE is...

and all the fears fade away.

bird song

i am a bird.

when other animals are weeks old and beginning to learn to live--i am still in my shell. i stay in my shell 'til i'm GOOD and READY...or the always untimely time my Father says. i break free only to enter the world as the most vulnerable creature--a tiny thing, perched high, crying, mouth wide. i am eager if nothing else...eager in the most awkward way. if my father is lost (which he always seems to be) and my mother has forgotten me (which she always seems to do), i find myself adopted by the oddest and sweetest and most irresponsible of humans. i don't know why they never keep me, but they try real hard at first--bringing nothing but hope and heartbreak. once abandoned, if i'm not lunch for some other greedy animal, i find myself staring at the sky--knowing that it's where i belong, but not knowing yet that i fly. it's by my Father's grace that such a wretched little creature as i (grey and small) grow and live.

i'm not much to look at during this growth process...not like the other animals around me. baby humans are pink and plump and walk and talk before you know it. baby horses are walking hours after their births--and their mothers right there to enjoy it! all the other animals do such beautifully normal things--that don't include being pushed from a tree!!! but me--little me--i'm all alone, way up here, and if i listen to Him--He says He made me for the sky--TO FLY! but i can hardly believe it...so He typically teaches me by necessity--fly or die is what they say. but first i learn to sing. i sing His songs--the ones He gave me. His melodies help me believe somehow...

then comes the day i fall from the sky...whether i jump or stumble or get pushed from behind. oh how i flap and hope and it looks like a mess of feathers! not at all like i thought it would be...and i flap and hope and flap and hope and hope and hope and flap! despite what you think it's not the flapping but the hope that makes me fly. and fly i do! all the sudden free of all the things that once confined me--shell and nest and self contempt! suddenly all the ways i'm different from the others is okay...is GREAT actually! it's no longer so important that i have 4 legs or 2 parents or walk or run or speak! i SING and FLY, if i hope in Him--and let Him tell me who i am!

so, i may get caught in a draft sometimes and by my own strength not fly free...but if i listen to the One i fly for He always makes a way around.

my Father, He made me for the SKY--He made me to FLY! now i ask Him every day..."who do you say i am?". and every day i ask, He reassures me of the same. so this is how i know...

i am a bird.

today.

today i live in a little blue house with a little green yard and a certain happy yellow glider that sits on the porch and welcomes me home every time i pull into the drive. i sleep in a cozy little attic that asks for art and cook in a tiny little kitchen that insists on music. this house is not much to others. it's not exactly in the greatest of neighborhoods. it's certainly not worth much monetarily...with it's cracks in the walls and (perfect) imperfections. BUT this house is a gift to me. a great and perfect gift from the Father. a gift that says He knows me and loves me and provides for little ol' me...

almost 2 yrs ago i learned my husband was not the savior in my story. i learned the boy that i had fallen in love with at 12 was full of flaws...just like me. my life went up in flames. he betrayed our marriage vows...and me. Oh heart. it was broken into a million little peices. and yet God showed us a way of grace...it was a rocky way. not many had taken this road before us...it was overgrown and in places seemingly impossible and yet we climbed. we climbed this way of grace to heights in our marriage we had never known. we tore down and rebuilt our 7 yr marriage. along the way encountered many obstacles...eric quit quit his job, we lost our house, sold our stuff, drained our savings, and lived with dear & gracious friends. God swooped in and changed our lives forever. challenging us to the core of who we are...emotionally, relationally, financially and most important, spiritually. 2 years later we are far from done with this terrible and wonderful process but we have a story to tell. a story where He is (once again) the hero in the story. just as it should be.

today i live in a little blue house. a house that knows me! a house He hand picked for me...from the beginning. in this little dream house of mine i live a life closer to the one i always wanted then the one i had 2 yrs ago. a life i can hardly call my own because it belongs to Him. and all i gave up in these past two years? all He pryed from my hands? all that stuff was standing in between me and this freedom. today, He tells me who i am--not my husband or my house or my job or money or people's opinion. don't get me wrong... some days i wish i was someone else or want so bad for someone or something else to tell me who i am. but when i listen to Him-- to His whispers in my ear--and i live in that God confidence...i'm free. free of everything in this small cruel world that binds me. everyday, if i listen, He tells me He made me and loves me. that i'm His colorful crazy wildflower of a child...i can't help but be fly free.

earner to heir, back to earner, then back to heir...

i wrote this awhile back...when i was just being introduced to Him...and it still rings oh so true it was worth a repost:)

come as you are...
"so the invitation said come as you are--but we all know no one really means that, right? so i'm dressed to the hilt. this is an event like no other. i accepted the invitation and here i am--sitting with a feast before me. i'm talkin' linen tablecloth, expensive china, polished silver kind of feast. there is only one thing served at this table--although it's always prepared a different way--so the sweet taste is always savored and could never be considered mundane.

Grace is served at this table.

my Father sits at the head of the table and laughs at my dressy attire but none the less invites me to "eat up". i know He has worked hard to provide this outlandish meal. i know He has sacrificed so much, just so i can sit here--at His table. my soul growls in need and i long to obey it's murmurings and yet...i decide to ignore my hunger pains and take only a few morsels of the faith sustaining substance onto my plate.

i want to be polite. i don't want to need it. i want somehow to be above it. i don't want to take too much. don't want to over-indulge. i am a bit embarrassed by my need. after all i just want to be a polite little christian. i don't want to dig in and behave like the grace starved slob that i really am--that i used to be anyway. i mean what would my Father think? what would those sitting at this table around me think?

as i push the grace around on my plate i find myself embarrassed to be partaking of the meal at all. i seem to think there is some holiness in not having to take much grace here--although He is always trying to tell me otherwise. hey, besides--i'm not quite sure which fork to use anyway. as i awkwardly spoon the meager contents of my plate into my mouth-- my soul hungers for so much more. this all brings back flashbacks of the first time i ate in front of my jr. high boyfriend. so embarrassing, so uncomfortable. yet here i am--with a feast of the only thing that will feed my soul set before me. and yet... and yet... i can't bring myself to enjoy it. there is shame in my need. there is guilt in my soul's satisfaction. i so don't want to take any more...and yet--i crave it. my life needs it to go on. and i look up into my Father's questioning face and attempt to lie to the all-knowing one saying,

"no thanks, i couldn't possibly take any more..."

my lie leaves my insides begging to remember how to humble myself and consume all i need. the sweet aroma of forgivness is too much for me to handle. i can almost taste the mercy to be had at the all-you-can-eat buffet that i originally considered this feast upon first invitation. back in the beginning. back when i attended this party in rags. back when i accepted His gift out of despreate need. as i recollect, in the beginning it wasn't half as difficult to accept His grace--maybe because i was facing the reality of starvation.

why is it any different now?
do i think i've earned this now?
that as a seasoned Christ follower i should be immune to it all?
above it all?
yes, yes and yes. that is exactly it.

come as you are? ha! i can do better than that...

haven't written here in forever...

it's been awhile. life, babies, photography, grace, kidzone, moving and business have sucked up so much of my time. but most lately God has been stirring my soul in the area of love, love, love. turns out...i suck at it. like something terrible!!!

the biggest and baddest of my unloving discoveries has been centered around this one phrase.

"love believes the best"...

i never believe the best...of anyone. not the ones i love or especially the ones i hate! i weld my unbelief like a sword...i cut down relationships with my assumptions. assumptions i've come to be proud of. i've convinced myself i can read motives. HA. fo real tho. i enter a room and read the faces talk to those that make me feel safe and stay far from those that make me wonder...i enter a friendship and see one fault and define them by that EVERYTIME. instead of stamping love across it...i stamp it in my memory. and file it away as a way i could be hurt in the future. the worst is that i do it to my love...my husband. i never give him the benifit of the doubt...i doubt...OH how i doubt everything he does. it would suck to live with someone like that. and yet...that is what i do to those i love.

so i find myself back in the place where it's all up to Him. i can't change this. it IS me. it is woven into the fibers of who i am and how much i've been hurt. i could hold onto this...i have for so long. or i could ask Him to take it...and make me look more like Him and less like the monster i see in the mirror.

Forget about self-confidence; it's useless. Cultivate God-confidence. 1 corinthians 10:11

if it's all about love then i gotta long way to go...one foot in front of the other...

goliath dreams

today's bible reading plan has goliath dreams echoing in my head.

the story of david and goliath. this story has been told told and over told and yet it was new to me this afternoon. sometimes these Bible stories can loose their awe inspiring nature when they've been adopted by our culture as a tall tale or myth. today i read it and absorbed the unbelievability of it all. david had some kinda faith!!! the kinda faith that could change the world. the kind of faith that God loves. the kind of faith that honors Him for who He is. in my daily life i trust God with about as much as i trust my one year old. you know...i give Him the little things. i disrespect Him by not asking Him to come through--to behead my goliaths. He was the giant killer. not david. but david asked and walked toward a ten foot tall giant in faith. david brought his gifts, and let God use them. He could have asked and God could have just killed Him on the spot--but david offered himself to be used by God--with his little sling and 5 stones. He was prepared and yet soooooo unbelievably unequipped. yet he brought what He had and trusted, without a doubt that God would do the rest. i don't know about you but where i come from this kinda faith is not only non existant but is laughed at--even by those that "know" God. David calls Him God-Alive...is He that in my life?...do i want Him to be?....hmmmmm.

and that unbelievable story lead straight into another. the new testement spoke of jesus' birth and the dreams that lead the way. dream after dream it was that God worked through. a dream that took the wise men another way home, a dream that lead joseph away from bethleham in the dark, a dream that brought them out of egypt and a dream that brought them to nazereth. dream after dream...does that mean He works in my dreams? dreams while i sleep and dreams while i'm awake? dreams like making a difference, dreams like getting away. dreams like not raising my kids in man made safety? dreams like teaching them to trust in Him? dreams like really putting the most important things first? dreams like the kind that everyone laughs at. dreams like the kind that i barely consider? my dreams? is He saying that works in those? dreaming is something i do. every night and every day. is He saying He works that way. does He want my dreams?

the spirit keeps whispering "goliath dreams" in my ear. goliath dreams, goliath dreams, goliath dreams--the dreams that would take a david faith to make reality. i can't get it out of my head. so i'm attempting to turn up the volume of Him and turn down the volume of the normal voices in my head--laughing at david faith, laughing at dreams. i'm trying to believe. believe in a God that doesn't make sense. believe in a God that HAS SHOWN me the miracle of His counter intuitive ways. He says give it all to me and you'll get it all back--that and then some...i see proof of that all over my life and yet still don't know that i believe in golaith dreams...

expensive grace?

i've been thinking about grace lately. how much it costs SOMEONE. i got there by thinking about how much it cost me....and that took me quickly to how much it must cost God to give His grace to me...and then it took me to easter. and how much it cost Him on that cross. my sin cost Him His Son. my sin cost Him hurt and pain that makes my cost look minuscule. pennies to his billions. embarrassing all the sudden--that i'm counting my cost...the hurt that it takes to stay, when His cost is infinitely more than mine.

this song is all about my hurt. and it's alot. but His is more...when i think about my hurt...i think about His...i hope i never forget this lesson...

Between The Lines by sara barreilles

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
Cause i cant continue pretending to choose
The opposite sides on which we fall
The loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
Im queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn i'd heard him say it ten thousand times
If only i had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought i thought i was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So i've learned to listen through silence

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me always be
You and me always be

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me i'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always be
You and me
Always between the lines

help

i am a mess. still--six months later.

i feel the expectation of having to have things together...and while things are looking more and more hopeful i am still a mess. i've gotten in the habit lately of not seeing a way out of a situation and asking for God's help. simple right? the God thing often is. simple yet hard to do. hard to stop--in my emotion and in my rights and in my mess and cry for help. cry for a way out. cry for guidance or for Him to walk with me down the narrow path of dying to myself.

so far i'm not sure this is worth it. just being honest. i'm not sure staying was altogether the thing for me to do. soooo much hurt. sooo much WORK! and there are glimpses of hope...of joy even. but the hurt and hard work are everyday companions. the joy and hope are here and there and never stay longer than a moment.

right now i'm wrestling with the idea that marriage is altogether different than i thought it was. i thought there was a safety in marriage. only to find out there is no such thing. i thought idealistic and impossible things of marriage--ideas that i don't wanna part with...and don't know how to.

i'm seeing way too much of myself in this marriage. way too much crap. i thought i was lovable--in some enchanting and beautiful way. deep down i thought that. for that to be refuted. wow. it rocks my world.

moments like that is when i must call for His help. and He comes. and He helps. but too often i don't ask for help and i try to do it on my own and i can't...

here's a song that found me today...always a song...

FAithful
by brooke fraser

There's distance in the air and I cannot make it leave
i wave my arms' round about me and blow with all my might
I cannot sense you close, though I know you're always here
But the comfort of you near is what i long for


When I can't feel you, I have learned to reach out just the same
When I can't hear you, I know you still hear everyword I pray
And i want you more than i want to live another day
And as I wait for you maybe I'm made more faithful

All the folly of the past, though I know it is undone
i still feel the guilty one, still trying to make it right
So i whisper soft your name, let it roll around my tounge,
knowing you're the only one who knows me
You know me


Show me how I should live this
Show me where I should walk
I count this world as loss to me
You are all I want
You are all I want

wanna get away?

i do. i wanna get away--that is. just anywhere but here seems like a good idea right now. eric and i are talking about drastic changes to life as we know it. not just like cutting the cable but moving, selling stuff, cutting back and making room for things we choose instead of things we chose when we were still unsure of what we wanted. so in the midst of all this dreaming and scheming sometimes my feet come off the ground and silly things seem possible. but wait--maybe they are.

this song sings of my silly delusions...

sell all my things--rosie thomas

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna travel around the world
Gonna see it all

Gonna go to Paris, maybe Rome
But I'll feel better miles away from home,
Gotta figure some things out

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

In a little while I'll feel better
Gonna spill my heart to every stranger in every town
I'll visit castles in Ireland, have some fella play the violin and play a song for me

So sell all my things, I'm not coming home
There's nothing there to keep me there
Just heartache and panic and worries and things that'll bring me down
My head feels much clearer being here

never been hurt

this is my goal...my dream. what i hope for--why i keep walking and pushing and asking and crying and maybe one day--one day God will be big enough for me to do this to everyone i know. everyone that has been hurt before...


never been hurt--sara melson

One day i didn’t have a care
Except my picture in the mirror and the color of my hair
I sang along to records about tomorrow
Now my hands are worn, my clothes are torn
A few of my dreams have been met with scorn
And i don’t have too much time left to borrow

But still i’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt,
Wanna start all over and know what it’s worth
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before

Your stubborn independence
Reminds me of myself
It doesn’t make a lot of sense
It isn’t very good for health
I know you want to be alone
But i sure like talking on the phone
And i’ve finally left my carry-on bag behind me

Yeah i’m going to love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt before
Love you like i’ve never been hurt
We can start all over and know what it’s worth
I’m gonna love you like i’ve never been hurt before

holy?

i've heard it said that song writers are our modern day poets and so often God uses their words to grip my heart. so today another song that caught me off guard and slammed into my life. i love this band and their lyrics and their music. standing in the shadow of His mercy and huge-ness i feel smaller than ever. this song says that for me at a time when my words are too tiny to squeak out.

what do i know of holy? addison road

I made You promises a thousand times
I tried to hear from Heaven
But I talked the whole time
I think I made You too small
I never feared You at all No
If You touched my face would I know You?
Looked into my eyes could I behold You?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

I guess I thought that I had figured You out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How You were might to save
Those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who You might be
The slightest hint of You brought me down to my knees

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

(CHORUS 2)
What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life it's name?
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise?
All creation knows Your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

(CHORUS)
What do I know of You
Who spoke me into motion?
Where have I even stood
But the shore along Your ocean?
Are You fire? Are You fury?
Are You sacred? Are You beautiful?
What do I know? What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of Holy?
What do I know of Holy?

my sunrise

i first heard of the affair late at night...couldn't sleep and i woke and discovered something he couldn't deny. i didn't sleep all night. all night. we stayed up talking. and crying. and mourning. and then i went for a drive. i decided to drive east--towards the sunrise. at that point i thought it was over--our 14 year relationship...and i wanted to see the sunrise as a sign of hope. the sun didn't rise that morning. i drove and drove through the rain and the sun never came up...it was too stormy. over the last few months--in trying to peice our relationship back together...sunrises have obviously been very symbolic to me. i've stumbled across a few verses along the way...

Malachi--But for you, sunrise! The sun of righteousness will dawn on those who honor my name, healing radiating from its wings. You will be bursting with energy, like colts frisky and frolicking.

psalms--Hallelujah! Blessed man, blessed woman, who fear God, Who cherish and relish his commandments, Their children robust on the earth, And the homes of the upright—how blessed! Their houses brim with wealth And a generosity that never runs dry. Sunrise breaks through the darkness for good people— God's grace and mercy and justice!

isaiah--"Get out of bed, Jerusalem! Wake up. Put your face in the sunlight. God's bright glory has risen for you. The whole earth is wrapped in darkness, all people sunk in deep darkness, But God rises on you, his sunrise glory breaks over you.

today i saw my sunrise. in the midst of looking at my own need of grace and forgiveness His hope grew so big in me that i craved forgiveness--both His and giving some of my own...to eric and to everyone else that has ever wronged me and i've held onto. wow. and then i stumbled over this verse. new to me...

luke says--"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's Sunrise will break in upon us, Shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, Then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace"

something about that one foot in front of the other that seems hopeful and possible and peace--whew! that sounds so worth it!!! today i was supposed to get sooooo much done. but instead i was inturrupted with higher things...and for once i put aside the task and listened to the spirit. don't know how my stuff's gonna get done but i am ever so grateful for his timely provision of a sunrise to my soul that's been far too familiar with midnight. oh! and then, just a few minutes ago a song...this song came on pandora...never heard it before and it made me sob. how dare i doubt Him!!!

sunrise by nichole nordeman

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road, bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story

I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only

Every valley
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

There's a moment when
Faith caves in
There's a time when every soul is certain God is gone

But every shadow is evidence of sun
And every tomorrow holds out hope for us
For every one of us

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You alone will shine
You alone can resurrect this heart of mine

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You're my horizon
You're the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise

You are sunrise


so i forgave eric today. and i hope to forgive him every day for the rest of my life. as well as everyone else that has hurt me along the way--ohhhh i've so held onto it all. i'm excited to see how this changes me. i already feel so supernaturally free--i'm hoping to hold onto that feeling!!!!

so i don't know what this means. i am soooo outta control in this--and i think that's where i'm supposed to be:) but for the first time in my life forgivness enters the scene--i don't really know what happens next...stay tuned...

summer breeze

this song could be called lexi's self protection--it is so dead on for what goes on in my heart...but the thing is. i miss that summer breeze and i think i want to shed this skin...for the first time in a long time.

summer breeze by kris delmhorst

Once you've been bitten
You get a little bit shy
Start looking round for anyplace that you can hide
Once you've been naked
You get a thick thick skin
Build it up layer by layer and you climb on in

And then you're wrapped up oh so tightly
That I don't think you feel a thing
No sting of snowflakes, no kiss of angel's wings
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Look at all the heaviness
And the weight in this world
Put an old lady backbone in a little baby girl
Left no room for no lover
Left no time for no friend
Just a little voice saying never never never again

But if there's no such thing as safety
And if there ain't no guarantee
Maybe the coast is just as clear as it is ever gonna be
And maybe you don't need that skin anymore
Maybe if you took it off you would not even have to breathe
Maybe air would just flow in and out of you as it pleased

Like a summer breeze
Don't you want to feel the breeze
Don't you want to feel it now
Sweet summer breeze

this flailing feeling...

i can't speak for myself anymore. it's like all my words gang up against me and i can't describe what goes on in my heart. maybe because i don't know what's going on in there...it is oh so frustrating! but music--as always is the voice i don't have. i found this song.

curious by holly brooke

Someone tell me what to do
I feel like i must be a fool
For ending up right back at the start
The things that we don't comprehend
Are laughing at my mind again
I think that i think too hard
And i don't give enough credit to my heart

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

I've put my theories to the test
You know i've tried to do my best
But maybe we weren't meant to strike gold
Sometimes things that you ignore
Are all the things i'm looking for
Will i learn to let go
Give into love and listen to my soul

I'm so
Damn curious to know
And there are too
Many unanswered questions
That we hold onto

i feel like i'm in a place where i just can't move. the questions keep coming. the curiousity just kills me! too many things unanswered. too many things i'll never get--that break my heart. and my heart is in serious condition...my heart is just as stubborn as ever. can't move toward God, can't move away. can't move toward eric, can't move away...

and i ask eric to tell me who i am--and he doesn't and then i spin out of control--like today. i can hardly keep my hands off the phone to call him for the 5th time to ask him if he loves me. and he has all the right answers but it's not enough.

this hurts. i feel kind of flailing. like a fish out of water.

and i don't know why i'm writing this. probably just to get it out. but i would give almost anything to releive this flailing feeling...almost.

simplicity meets complexity

so, big step forward.

yup. i know finally, right?!?

last night my husband was being very patient with me--answering questions and talking about the stuff going on inside of me and i started rememebering the details of the night i found out about the affair. thus far, i've unconciously only remembered the more powerful details. my asking ball busting questions and all my hot divorcee talk. anyway. i remembered the part, the small part, right after he told me the truth and my life fell apart and for the first time i thought, in the core of me, that i couldn't do life without him. but in my head, staying didn't make sense--because i couldn't. but in that moment leaving didn't make sense either. and for the first time grace fit perfectly! grace was the solution. and what a discovery it was. it wasn't so much me extending it--as we've talked so much about. it was more about me discovering that it was an option, the perfect option.

but grace was only the option when my life didn't make sense anymore. sad--but true. it wasn't grace, period. it was grace because...because i needed it. i've recieved grace but never given it. and in that moment God introduced grace to both eric and i. He needed to learn about grace--how to recive it. and i needed to learn about grace--as in how to give it. so it was a mutual discovery. and that feels...better. better than where i've been in the last few weeks.

while this hurts more than i'm made to bear--the truth in the discovery of grace in that night propels me forward into hope. hope that His supernatural creation...GRACE. JESUS. could change everything. because i am not capable. so not capable. but He is and the great question is , will i let Him????


ahhh it's so simple but how how how to make it real is the trickiest thing ever. how to invite all this simplicity into my life when my heart is so bent toward complexity????

hope that makes any sense at all--and then again. why should it matter if it makes sense to me?

lightening

most of the time the hurt is a cloud. hovering over me and my little world. most of the time it's foggy...it's confusing. sometimes it's puffy clouds--not hard to look at...sometimes the fog is thick and smothering...and way too easy to get lost in and sometimes...sometimes there is a lightening bolt. a lightening bolt of pain straight to my heart. i hear a song, or think of a moment when i was ignorantly secure in my world while the other half of me was being whisked away by something much more exciting. i think of a time when i was lovingly trying to move toward him and all he did was pull back into the safety he created with one that wasn't me. i think of a time when i know i was ugly and demanding and frustrated. and he thought. " this is why i'm doing it." those are the lightening bolts. and although i hear the distant thunder the lightening always catches me off guard on a tuesday afternoon.

this process is definitely two steps forward and 5 steps back. this process is enough to tire the strongest of hearts. this process is something else. something totally other than what i ever expected. people say it all the time, it's definitely harder to stay after being betrayed. people say it in the tritest of ways but underneath the overuse, it's brilliantly true. in a tough moment all i wanna say is uncle. UNCLE okay?!? i give up! it's not worth it! hhhhhhh.

when the lightening hits it's the best time to get some clarity. if you can stand the pain. all of the sudden everything around you that's usually dark or cloudy is suddenly illuminated and if you can--you can see way more--if you dare to look. the first few lightening bolts hit and i ducked and covered myself in protection. now i think i'm peeking--a little. and what i see isn't pretty. what i see is powerless. what i see is so much that needs to be looked and ... given to God and well quite frankly i'm waiting around for a sunny day to do that. and there is no sun in the forecast. for a long long time...

will i get over it?

over and over i replay the details. trying to get more power. a leg up. trying to feel bigger--in the know. the details punch me in the stomach and take my breath....what a betrayal. so i ask more questions--which he fumbles to answer. God has transformed him in such a short time--his heart is soft and welcoming but i can't enter into it--knowing that he is capable of much damage. so i ask until there is nothing left to wonder and then i am left with my own thoughts.

why? where? what was it like? what was i doing when...so i ask another meaningless question and another and another... lights on or off? how many times? did you hold hands? as if in the answer to some random question i would find peace--but instead i find more chaos. more and more chaos. more and more hurt...more and more confusion. and i wander if he's telling the truth. and i try to poke holes in his answers. and i try to make a case for closing my heart. so i ask more questions and get more restless answers. he's trying so hard. and i am unmoved. i don't trust it. the change. who knows if it's real? certainly not me. i was sleeping next to him most nights, we were sharing meals and tickling kids--and all the while i had no idea. no idea what he was capable of. no idea what my life was really about. i feel like such a fool. i feel like i should have known. i feel like i never want to do that again. and then there is God.

God.

whew. i hear his voice. "oh how He loves us". he's putting this pulse of forgiveness in my head. bringing random things right in front of my face saying, "choose me". His way is unsafe and all out. His way is...love. and trust and forgiveness and i don't know how to live that and and so scared of that way. too scared to move.

will i ever get over this? will it ever be gone? or will it be a black mark on my life for the rest of my life? can i get over it? should i have stayed in the first place? can HE be enough? can i open myself up again? can i jump off the cliff of forgiveness into the pool of grace? i'm standing on the ledge i just need a strong wind or a great big push...

screaming a whisper

another day on the path of healing. if i could just look at the path in front of me instead of behind. if i could just ....

i can't remember the last time in my life hurt was so daily present. i don't know how to live like this. i feel like i'm on mute. like everything is going on around me and i am hesitant, i am quiet, i am awkwardly going about my life minus something crucial. nothing makes sense without whatever it is i'm missing but i can't get it back. and i feel far from my Father. and i feel like my heart is hard--to hard to beg Him back, but wanting Him to come and find me. and i feel like i'm self protecting all over again. and i feel like it's all too much. because it is. too much for me. i feel a bit hopeless. i feel like shuting down and hiding in.

it's like a dream. when you want out of a bad situation and your scream comes out a whisper. and you try your voice again and no one hears you. i'm screaming a whisper. once again. that powerless feeling. agh.

so i'm caught in this place of ambivilence. nothing looking good in either direction. toward God looks like work. away from God looks hopeless. so i stay here and wait for Him to find me.

another song to whisper for me...

what i wouldn't give by holly brook
Feeling like I can't forgive,
but I want to
it's like I don't know how to live,
I’m afraid to
I used to think take them as they come,
without hesitations,
no now it's like my head is filled with lies, and persuasions
as the sun begins to fall I hear her calling out to me she's sayin' hurry it's one more day gone

what I wouldn't give
just to forget
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

I am feeling dissonant, and distracted
the toxic chemicals are spilling in my head
and they're bleeding deadly reactions
and as the moon begins to rise he shows me all the colors that I’m hiding
I’m hiding myself

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again

am I desperately losing this fight
when I should really be choosing my flight
take me now

what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
so I can remember how to live again
I wanna live again
what I wouldn't give just to forget
what I wouldn't give to get some rest
what I wouldn't give just to forget
so I can remember how to live

another day in the life

so confused about marriage.  about love.  what is it?  how does it work??? 
i have done it all wrong...that's all i know.  but i don't know how to do it all
right!  whew.  all new rules and boundaries and expectations and separation. 
i don't get it and it feels dangerous and i feel unsafe and yet free?  hmmm. 
it doesn't make any sense.  loving is a bit like flying.  DON"T LOOK DOWN! 
every time i start thinking, "what the hell am i doing?  giving up my secrets? 
tearing down my walls in order to reach out to this other person?"  that's me
looking down, and in that moment it is all too much.  i don't know.  don't know
what love is or how to do it "right".  and if right means feeling like i'm falling
outta the sky all the time--eek!  that sucks!   so hear we go.  another day in the
life of someone trying to give His love away.  tentitively...

yet another song...speaking for me.

guess it may by rosie thomas

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works
How to set off all your alarms

I’m still learning what love is
When I’m walking close to you
The best way to hold your hand in mine
The best way to comfort you

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

I’m still learning what love is
Every time you look at me that way
I’m still trying to figure out just how
You can still look at me the same

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

Even though I may not get it right
All the time I will always try
And I will always stand right by your side

I’m still learning what love is
Everyday I wake up in your arms
I’m still trying to figure out what works

Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
Guess it may
It may always be this way

have you seen me lately?

so showing grace in this situation...it was no less a miracle than me walking on water. if that is true then it is also true that this miracle can only happen when my eyes are on Him...just like peter. the moment i take my eyes off Him i start to sink...and spin...and question...and demand...and then it's over. whew! but that is hard to do. i want to medicate this ache. i want to grow bigger than this small me. i want to say i don't deserve this and i can't do this and to hell with this--it was a crazy idea anyway! and in moments i do. but strangely it doesn't help. it just hurts more. so.

keeping my eyes on Him. trusting Him to help me walk on water...or show grace and forgiveness in the face of the ultimate betrayal.

it's like i don't know who i am...it feels like my heart used to be a carefully gated area. a perfectly defined and safe place. now...now i am a blob. an ever changing, uncontrollable, undefined, mystery of a soul. and it feels like a mess because my reactions are not my own. i second guess, no! quadruple guess everything i do. it's so frustrating! and scary and undefined and i am living with a different me than i am used to. a softer smaller one. and i don't know who i am...it's scary. asking Him to tell me who i should be. i know who i want me to be! big and strong and no nonesense...capable and decisive...in control...but i'm not that anymore...and don't know if i ever will be again....

hhhhhhhh.

as always, my heart speaks through music. and this is what song my soul sings...

Have you seen me lately by keri noble --- BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL!!!!

Have you seen me lately?
Can you tell me what you see in me?
Have you seen me lately?
All i see is what i used to be...

It's eleven-thirty i don't have the time
To come before you now.
Yeah-i know it's been awhile
But i'm just to tired now.
Please don't be too angry didn't you hear--
Me mention you last week?
I'm just worn out.
Why can't you let me sleep?
(have you seen me lately)

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

Found myself in conversation--
Trying to convince me what you're about.
I don't know why but i couldn't get it out.
Met an old friend yesterday who
Told me how my love inspired her to
Love like i love you.
(have you seen me lately)

What has happened to my fire?
The way you were my every desire?
My God, i never meant to be this!
Father hold me i can't see myself!!!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to see...
what i used to be...

Turn the phone off, throw the TV out!
It's time to get it right and
i will stare at myself Even if it takes all night.
What could i have thought i could give you?
In my grip?
you're a God of power
if I take my eyes off you
i will surely slip!

have you seen me lately?
can you tell me what you see in me?
have you seen me lately?
all i see is what i used to be...

make me over

my God is making me over. and it hurts--oh it hurts. but it heals. it's scraping off the scab to take out the infection. only His skilled hands can do the hurting and healing all at the same time. and i find myself crying out to him. leaning on Him. holding onto Him. until i feel peace and love and freedom. He is the only Good. He is the only Strength. He is the only Trustable. the only Loving. and knowing that to be true. i give it all. all the peices of me i love and long to hold onto. the broken little scraps of strength i've peiced together over the years. all the little shards of independence and sense of self i've accumulated in this life. i meekly offer. and say, "change me--make me yours." i am oh so small--this version of me. smaller than is comfortable--so once again i must lean on Him for every step...every moment. and He loves it that way. it's the most uncomforable wonderful place i've ever been.

He is my Creator.

imagine.

letting Him tell you who you are...and who you aren't.

the above picture is of nagisaki. the city in japan we dropped the atom bomb on during world war 2. there was damage that was nessesary for the world's good in that situation. how tragic. what a desision to have to make. so glad it wasn't mine. i feel like everyday i wake up with the damage done to me that was nessesary for my greater good. i am free today. freer than i've ever been. wow. too bad this was the only way to get me here. too bad there is so much fallout to deal with. but He is big enough...


Make Me Over by lifehouse Wrap my arms Around your name Feel your breath Against my pain As i breathe out the past is gone Empty smile Naked heart Who I Was Falls apart When you're here inside of me Feel till you're numb Depth perception becoming The new deaf & dumb I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand along in your eyes In your eyes... pull me in Take me out Make me over Read the wave Ride your fears In this ocean of years We've been here, swimming on Take me deep Till I find Every corner of your mind We've been here, swimming on Touch till you taste All the time we are wasting Alone, waiting here I'm losing myself just to find a place in your mind In your mind Changing myself just to stand Alone in your eyes Your eyes... Pull me in Take me out Make me over and shout me out loud Shout me out loud