walking through life . . .

i've come to the conclusion that i am just a woman walking . . . walking through life. walking through the good and bad. walking down some new paths and some old. i've been walking for a while now and have picked up habits along the way. habits of walking fast and furiously through the bad things without even lifting my head. and skipping through the sunny parts, chin in the air. lately i've begun to take a peek at the scary things as i pass by them. looking at why they are so frightening and found that they don't scare me as much as they just expose my raw emotion. which may be even harder to handle than fear . . .


things are much more painful this way . . . actually walking through life feeling it. . . and feeling it hard. this has been a weekend of feelings. feeling joy. feeling proud. feeling embarrassed. feeling scared, feeling lead, feeling frustrated, feeling alone, feeling jealous, feeling happy, feeling out of place, feeling sorry, feeling overjoyed, feeling sympathetic, feeling estatic and feeling overwhelmed by all these feelings!!! yeah--wow--it's been one of those. not a bad weekend--not at all! just a very full one. . .


our friends and neighbors paul and lynz had their baby yesterday. it was beautiful watching the love story of their second born. i tell you--this boy has it all! "a day old and he's already so loved --and all the while he doesn't even know it." that's what his grandma v said to him anyway:) he is such a precious little pink one!!!!! a head full of dark hair, a pair of "huge" hands, and two feet as long as his little shins:)

it's always amazing isn't it? ? ?

i can't put a finger on the source of my tears last night. some them were tears of awe. . . awe of this miracle child and his strong mother. others of them were tears of memories, some of my own and some i can only dream of. some of them were tears simply for my friend and the pain she was in. there were still other tears that were tears for endings and beginnings--both equally beautiful.

this miracle of a son they have been given . . . wow. . . his newness takes my breath away. . . and though his presence fills my eyes with tears he also fills my heart with pride. He's 23 inches long!!!!!!! lynz is amazing:) it was amazing to be a part of it all . . . thanks guys!

as high as my night was last night, this morning was equally low.

church was a tough one today. it's funny--earlier this week i wrote all about how i loved our community and believed in it . . . this morning i proved just how much. we are reading this book for small group called everybody's normal until you get to know them . well--i'll put it this way, we finished the confrontation chapter of this book just in time!!! for me to use it anyway . . . a situation arose recently where i felt i was being called by God to act as someone's "nathan". well my "david" did not take my Godly admonishion as well as david did in the Bible! part of me is at peace with what happened . . . because i know that i went to this person in the right spirit. but there's this other feeling there that's completely foreign to me.

this feeling of sadness at their response.

i've never gone into a confronting situation with love in my heart. this time i did. but i found that the old way is much less painful! not at all God-lead but a flippin lot easier!!! hmmmm. . .there are so many weird feelings that come with doing it God's way. i espescially feel out of control. which is the point i have been striving to reach for so long but now that i am here (for a moment) it feels . . .

scary.

the path has been winding and uneven as i've walked it these past few days. but i continue to be a woman simply walking this path of life--a path so ridden with overwhelming feelings. ones that i am peeking through my fingers at--trying to slowly introduce myself to honest emotions. . .

emotions . . . well they're all here and they're all God's . . . because i can't handle them . . . and should've never tried!

questions

i spent last evening with 14 of my closest friends--my small group. i cannot say enough about the community around me!!! eric and i are so unbelievably blessed to have the kind of christian support that we do. there is no substitute for authentic, deep and Christ-centered community! I will forever stand behind our calling to love and support each other on this journey.

last night was a bit of a sad night in small group--because here's the thing. our small group is now far from small. we can barely fit into one room, the bunch of us! in my opinion this is the ideal small group--one that is busting at the seams with people who want to get together and expierience God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i guess the "experts" say that an ideal small group is about 6 to 12 people--and we have far exceeded that number. soooo the next step in the process is what the church has termed "birthing". just like birth, the seperation of these tightly woven individuals brings a promise of pain--but there is no other way. in order to let others expirience the kind of real community that we have been so blessed to expirience we must split into 2 groups, who will soon split into 4 groups, who will then split into . . . you get the idea.

we have some folks who are very opposed to the idea of giving up this comfortable sharing space. i mean . . . we go way back this group. we've only been together for a year now but emotionally we go waaaaayyyy back. we have all shared things in this group that have never been shared before. parts of our walk where we have stumbled . . . parts of our life pre-Christ that we are trying to overcome. . . and it's going to be a tough transition. . . but for the sake of the "empty chair" that we no longer can provide--we must give up our comfortablility to welcome the lost and seeking into our loving midst.

we are very blessed to currently have some "baby" or "barbarian" christians in our group. you know the kind. they have questions for everything! most of the time they are lost in the midst of our "God-speak" and as they try to interpret our talk they are also trying to soak in as much knowledge as possible. it's like they are new to a country and are eager to learn the native ways. it is mostly the young ones in Christ that are so fearful of changing our group dynamics.

so question after question they asked last night--challenging the way things have always been done. seeking answers for the questions that none of us think to ask anymore. although their questions do get a bit tiresome, they are so full of a new kind of energy. the kind of energy that we veterans lack. their questions continually bring us back to the heart of the matter. " if this is all about Jesus then why does this matter," or "where does it say this," or "why do we do it this way--what purpose does this serve?"

as these kinds of questions flew around the room last night, i experienced a sense of peace. the kind of peace that is only provided when we struggle. as i sat back and watched the room, suddenly so alive with authentic words and honest inquiries i couldn't help but think, this is what He made us for.

He made us with this incredible mind that he crafted and perfected. He knew the faith that it would take for our minds to grasp His illogical grace. He knew all about the mental struggle that would ensue because of the upside down kingdom that He has invited us to take part in. everything He asks us to do is contridictary to what seems to make sense.
"if you lose your life--you will find it."
and as our minds grapple with His impossible God-truths we are participating in something that He expressly designed us for. God looks down in delight at our persistance in seeking His truth--His will. just like God blessed jacob for struggling in that long ago story that genesis tells . . . i think He will also bless us. i think that God is pleased when we question the "rules" of christianity. when some of these inquiries are made, i think He smiles as we do when our young children ask a humorous question about their curious new world. i think He smiles and nods in approval of our slow but sure progress in understanding His "backward" ways.

in so many christian circles, questions are discouraged. it was so exciting sitting in a room full of people persistant in seeking the will of God. praise God that he has created us to be truth seekers . . .tonight i thank God for the questions in my life and more specifically the questioners. . .

spiritual infedelity

the wedding dress by derek webb
if you could love me as a wife
and for my wedding get your life
should that be all i'll ever need
or is there more i'm looking for
and should i read between the lines
and look for blessings in disguise
to make me handsome rich and wise
is that really what you want?

i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the isle run down the isle
i am a prodigal with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the isle
i run down the isle to You

so could you love this bastard child
though i don't trust you to provide
with one hand in a pot of gold and with the other in your side
cause i am so easily satisfied
in a call of lovers so less wild
and i would take her little cash
instead of Your very flesh and blood

cause i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the isle
cause i am a prodigal with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the isle i run down the isle
to you --

cause money canot buy
a husband's jealous eye
when you have knowingly decieved his wife.

so i am a whore i do confess
i put you on just like a wedding dress
and i run down the isle
run down the isle
so i am a prodical with no way home
i put you on just like a ring of gold
and i run down the isle run down the isle
to You. . .to You.

i find these lyrics to this song far more desciptive of my heart's wanderings than my words could ever be. this song paints the perfect image of what i do to Christ. the analogy is convicting and contemplative. i would encourage you to find this song, listen to it, and expirience it deeply.

oh, happy day

we found out the gender of the baby that ky and jason are expecting in january!!! they will soon be the proud parents of a little girl named mireya frances(reya)!!! we went to the sonogram today and it was amazing to see life move inside of my little sis! with the scare they had early in this surprise pregnancy, it was great to see a healthy baby on that black screen! they need all the prayer and support they can get right now. . . !

i had a beach day today--minus the beach that is. . . i was surrounded by friends and family--fun and laughter. i had such good company that i didn't even miss the beach! and that's saying something!!!

ky's sonogram today was awesome! she invited all of her sisters to be in the room with her--which felt so right. as us 3 girls crowded the sonographer for dibs on the best view, ky just laid there looking like such a mommy! afterwards we went home--err to the perry's house to tell dara and lyndsey about ky's happy news. we all went out to lunch from there and then back to lyndsey's where we crashed on the livingroom furniture:)

without days like today--the other days just wouldn't be worth the effort!!!! new life makes me smile . . . it was such a happy day.

i've created my own prison

warning: this is authentic.
so i've spoken lately of a sour mood . . . one that i have been attempting to remedy for about 2 weeks. one that has been looming over my household like an over the shoulder annoyance. eric and i have been constantly at odds--over his work, over his busyness, over his uninvolvement, over all the problems i see in him that i just can't help but pick at when he has . . . has . . . hurt me.

i haven't ever looked hard at myself at times like these. . . times like these i am way too busy pointing fingers to stop and look in a mirror. today as i was throwing insults aimed at eric's heart i caught a glimpse--just a glimpse of myself in his words and realized my fault in all of this. because see, in my eyes it's always eric's fault . . . at first anyway. he starts it and i finish it. that's the way our marital skermishes seem to play out. he starts working too late, playing too much and i react like a crazy person. i push him away with such a ferverency--even though what i really want is for him to pull me close. i push so, so hard. so he can't get close to my heart to see that behind all this anger--all this feigned toughness and see that i'm hurt.

today this has rocked my world. i am stunned in the wake of this new found self knowledge. i feel lost. this is my mask--toughness, strength. who is lexi without it? this strength is my imposter. if all this is a self protective measure than who am i? i think i seek to be this untouchable person because things seem so much less painful for me this way--life seems less painful. if all i do--all the time is attempt to lessen pain--who has God made me? because this is who i have made me. i think i am too scared to be the person i was created to be and am just used to hiding her because she is weak--eh i hate that part. can i just say that is my biggest annoyance in life? weakness. when i see weak people i look away, when i feel weak myself i run away. i can't stand this feeling of weakness. i just can't handle it. and that has made me who i am today. and who i am today has wasted plenty of eric's perfectly good attempts to make everything right again because if i let him close he'll see i am hurt. he'll see that i am still damaged from so many people along my life path that have rejected me. . .so when i feel rejected by him it brings up all this dreadful baggage . . . and i never want anyone to see any of that. because that is too real . . . too weak.

but here's the kicker. paul told us in 2 Corinthians 12:9 that God said, "my grace is enough. my strength is made perfect in your weakness." but my self protactive measures put me in the god-seat. put me in charge and therefore i have never let God have a free hand in my life. His strength can't be perfect unless i face my weakness. once again the question is asked, is Christ enough? is His grace enough? if it is why do i try so hard to add to it? grace + "hurt insurance" is not the life that God has for me. but i am way too scared to do life any other way.

God has this great vision for my life. i know it inside. he has this great vision of open pasture and free falling christianity. no more sinful chains, no more heavy burdens. but marring his perfect picture of a vision for my life is a fence that i have erected myself. i am quite proud of it. i like it that people see me this way . . . well they can't really see me. all they see is this tall, important looking boundry. i like the way people must think of the person who resides in this boundry. it pleases me to think that others assume the person inside to be important and so many wonderful unknown things. if they saw me, little ol' drab me hiding inside this austere structure they would know that i wasn't important. that i wasn't anything other than mediocre me. . . so my plan is to never let them see. Christ's plan for me does not include this wall. He so wants me to fly free of this self induced seclusion. He brings people and events into my life in order to bring this wall down. but each time i see a chink in my armour i quickly repair it and return to my reclusive lifestyle. but Christ won't let it go. He so wants me to fly free and unfettered. accomplishing things i can't inside my little hidout. i am torn. so so torn. i want to live this barbarian christianity. i so want to run and jump free in those pluch green pastures. but i can't risk it. it's too much. i am not enough. i am me. i am weak. i am scared and small and . . . nothing. out there i am nothing. in here others at least think i am something. something special, something mysterious, something important. so for now i remain in my own kind of prison. safe from hurt, judgment and rejection. . . yet left out of the exhileration that living life God's way would bring.

humph . . . this a bit of a rambling--i know. this post may not make much sense. i had to write it to try to get my head around this thing. . .

reckless driving

i went for a drive today. . . it was quite the daring exploit-- considering how expensive gas is! i really didn't intend to go for a drive--it just kinda happened. i was driving home this afternoon, watching the weather trying decide what to do--and a good song came on the radio. i simply couldn't control the urge to drive right by my house . . . hey, for once there was no one screaming in the backseat or waiting for me at home so i took a backroad to wherever instead . . . i felt reckless. windows down, radio loud--just me and my thoughts. i love the quiet chaos my own company provides. i miss thinking. is that crazy? i miss all the thinking i did before i became permanantly attatched to a little person. i know it's a simple pleasure but it felt so good to endulge myself in this forbidden whim. rarely does a mom get to reject the peanut butter and jelly of life and opt for the filet mignon! today was one of those days! God bless the inlaws for providing me this much needed solace!

i can't explain what choosing the illogical does for me. . . i believe i have a renegade soul. sometimes i physically need to reject the obvious practicality of life--in the small ways--or i think instead of driving past my house aimlessly one saterday afternoon i would run away from home!!! maybe saying that makes me crazy but oh well! :)

i think we would all benefit from dropping the ball every once in a while. i begged my husband to let me cancel everything we had today and just stay home--in our pj's all day. maybe that's a bit extreme but i think it would be good for us. . . i think it would be good for everyone. who says you always have to answer the phone? i just want to be where i am for awhile--is that really so bad? in this busy, crazy world i think a worthless day is deserved every once in a while. He didn't say, be crazy and know that i am God. He said be still. today has been a great day to calm the crazy waters of my life. to turn off the ringer and just be still. i wish you all a deep breath and a moment of pure and guilt-less irresponsibility on this still saturday afternoon. be reckless and waste some gas on a backroad to wherever. . .

His more-than-enough

so i'm having a bit of an ordinary day--i've had a bit of an ordinary week for that matter! i feel as if i'm unable to find inspiration in anything--however

fyi

i did get the results back from the dr on my heart test. he said everything's fine. i guess it's nothing more than a heart arrhythmia.

and

i have yet another job oppurtunity on the horizon. i met with the director of hillcrest ministries yesterday and it seems that they have a paying position opening in january--which is quite a ways off. the position would be a very active role in the community--which i am all about. this is one of those jobs that i would be willing to do without pay. . .which is most likely what i will be doing for the next few months. this is a job that means something--and that is precisly what lures me. if He wants this job to be the one i am convinced that He will make a way.
anyway...

so eric has been working alot this past week. i think that has probably contributed to my sour attitude. all that fills my head are thoughts of more. More time as a family, more time with just him, more intimate communication, more money, more stuff, more job options, more, more, more. my demandingness has been out of control this week. i choose to blame it on everything but the real problem--because of course i don't really like to look at that. however my quiet time this week has pushed me toward a soul mirror and i'm not liking much of what i see in my reflection.

let me explain . . . i read this passage last friday and it's been on my mind since.

--why is everyone hungry for more?
"more, more," they say. "more, more."
i have God's more-than-enough,
more joy in one ordinary day than they get in all thier shopping sprees.
at day's end i'm ready for sound sleep.
for you God, have put my life back together. ps 4:6-8--

i've wrestled with this truth all week and have finally come to conclude that i so indeed want to enjoy ordinary days. i too, want to expirience God's more-than-enough. . . but to be quite honest i only want it like i want everything else. i only want to add this divine "more" to my list of carnal "mores". because see, the one drawback here is that somewhere deep inside me i don't think that God's more-than-enough is really more-than-enough. somewhere inside i doubt that my soverign God can really make me happy--can really satisfy my soul. and on an everyday basis i outwardly display this dark doubt by turning to everything and everyone else for my satisfaction. even though i walk away from each attempt to aquire satisfaction from people and things, deeply and sorely dissappionted-- i just load up with more impossible expectations and try once again! i guess i've never really been opposed to banging my head against any barrier in my way !!! and that is exactly what i am doing when i refuse to consider alternate options. . . just banging my head on the door, demanding it open, instead of simply using the knob!

so i guess what this all means is that i really don't want to expirience God's more than enough. because every day that i refuse to seek God's more than enough and seek immediate gratification from things and people, i am making a choice not to expirience God's more than enough. what i really want to expirience is God's more than enough + lexi's more. and that just isn't going to work.

. . . what if i gave God the chance to show me His more-than-enough? what would that look like? would He make any ordinary day--a day like today, sing with promise? with joy even?

all things miraculous

j and i watched her birth movie today. wow . . .

oh, to see j so tiny like that! words don't do her justice . . . jaeda was adorable--in a very new born kind of way! she was simply sparkling with all things fresh and miraculous. . . and so pink and plump! ( to think that this string bean of a 3 year old once had dimples in her knees) reminising was so good for my soul. the video (surprise, surprise) brought tears to my eyes. it was soothing and upsetting--all at the same time.

the soothing part is a bit obvious. babies are such a great way to start people! i hope that the pure beauty of my newborn baby never deminishes in my eyes. having the technology to expirience my sacred first minutes as a mommy all over again is such an amazing gift. jaeda's first few moments of life are breathtaking. . . they soothed my soul and ironed out any wrinkle of a doubt i have about my mommyhood. it was so good to see how far we've all come, how much j's grown and how much more capable we are now vs. then!!!

as soothing as it was, it was at the same time startling to see my youth, my fears, and my anxiety all so clearly exposed on my face. i was 19. . . ! i had no idea what i was doing! i had no idea who i was or how to love someone beside myself. looking back, it's only by the grace of God that both my marriage and my child are still in tact!!! it was alarming to see how much i've changed in four short years. and eric too. we were so alone then--without God and without a community around us.

watching my first attempts at bonding with my daughter were heart wrenching. i just had no idea . . . i just sat and looked into her face for the longest time . . . and my exact thoughts i remember all too well. i was so scared--so, so, scared! and sad and happy and confused and very hormonal! it was healing to watch this intimate interaction captured on video. but healing hurts . . . so it was oh so painful to watch. there were so many emotions that were racing through my head when i first held my baby. . . i wept over the flashback but this time instead of feeling guilty or incompetent or fallen i just felt . . . grace.

the memory of my daughter's birthday holds many complex thoughts for me. thoughts that maybe can't be understood by others--even other mothers. i think it is so with anything miraculous. i think every mom has such a different birth circumstance and expirience that thoughts of her baby's birth are unexplainable to all others. it's a secret that we moms don't mean to keep it just happens that way. ( kind of like when you're pregnant and you ask every female you know, "what does a contraction feel like?" and no one has an answer. . . why they can't remember?!? and so many women say, "oh you'll know--you'll just know." then the time comes and--you know, boy do you!) the first few minutes of being a mommy are equally indescribable. so much happens in those first five minutes--falling in love yet it being unrequited, pain from the fall yet feeling invinsible, perfect yet overwhemlmingly so, altered unrepairably yet changed forever. it's kind of like a microwavable unconditional love! as different as the expirience is for each mom-- the joy, the pain, the doubt, are all intermingled in one emotion known as motherhood.

and i wouldn't trade it--any of it--for the world.

late last night while you were asleep

so i feel like a year has past since yesterday . . . i laid my head on the pillow last night and attempted to fall asleep for about 3 hours. it wasn't until about 2 am that i finally got to sleep. it wasn't until about 12:30 that it dawned on my that there may be a point to my sleeplessness! about then it occurred to me that God wanted to have one of His late night chats with me -- He just loves those you know. so i got up and spoke with Him. we hashed out my day, my job, my fears, my needs and my motives. i asked Him not to let me have peace enough to fall asleep until we had come to some kind of decision on this job . . . the one i accepted yesterday.

you may think i'm a little weird after you hear all of this and yesterday i may have cared, but so much happened inside me last night that i'm just going to trust that it all comes out okay. so here goes. . .

i feel like this last week--since becky and lynz and i had that conversation about getting out of God's way--that i really have. i've said to God--lead and i will follow. so this receptionist position came open, i interviewed yesterday and got it. and although i had a few misgivings to start with, i was going to start there monday . . . no questions asked. obviously these were the doors that God was opening and i was going to walk through them. we could use the immediate income and everything seemed to be falling into place--so why wouldn't i assume that this is the will of God? right? maybe i was a little too focused on getting out of His way because somewhere in the hustle and bustle of yesterday i forgot to talk to Him about it.

that is what happened last night. we talked and He basically said, this is not the one I have for you. i tried my hardest not to hear it because i got this job through an aquaintence at church and things would just be difficult to back out of now etc. . . but that is what He was communicating to me last night and i had no choice but to step off.

in a strange way i felt like God tested me yesterday like He tested Abraham on the mountain. He asked, "lexi will you really follow me blindly?" He got his answer by me accepting a job that i didn't really want and now He is saying, "okay now wait." i feel like He wanted to see if i was really listening to His quiet voice. i feel like last night during our midnight fight God told me that He has something else for me. call me crazy or whatever you will--i didn't hear an audible voice but rather a quiet stirring in my soul. and inside i know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is what God has for me today--not excepting the job with kc store fixtures but rather waiting on something else that only He knows of right now. and that is okay with me. it kinda has to be . . .

so i was kept up til all hours of the night last night with this confusing internal dialouge, but at 2 o'clock, i finally fell asleep--wrapped in the kind of peace that only God can provide. i woke up this morning and kept myself busy talking with lynz about my decision, sharing with eric about my talk with God last night and finally letting karla know that i prayerfully considered the job last night and God vetoed my pre-made decision. . . hmmmm. . .

i think solomon said the words that will conclude this post the best.

"trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; He is the one who will keep you on track." prov 3:4-5

and that's what i'm aiming for . . . trusting and listening--while i stay out of His way.

detour

i got the job . . . i got the job! ! ! i got the job? ? ?

as i sit here and type tonight i am thoughtful, excited and scared. i can't believe that this is my last week as a stay at home mom. i can't beleive it. today i accepted a full time job as a receptionist at a company called kc store fixtures (not to worry i am still turning in my portfolio for k but am taking this job because it requires me to start monday). all day my mind has been reeling with this news. today i have questioned my motives more times than i can count. . . earlier i wasn't sure if i would really take the job--or even show up at the interview. good thing i caught myself just before i made either of those hasty decisions and realized that my fear should never (in this christian life) prohibit me from making any decision. and believe me--i have experienced more feelings of fear today than i have felt in a loooong time.

i was really beginning to think that i was making the wrong desision in taking the job--based only on the uneasy feeling in my tummy that i hadn't yet put a name on--until i read lyndsey's e-mail to me. in it she said--amidst many other words of encouragement--that stagnant is never good. that simple statement single handedly put a name on the feeling inside that i have been struggling with all day. that's when i finally acknowledged the fact that if i look into myself honestly i know that the name of what i have been feeling is
FEAR.

fear of a challenge. fear of good-byes. fear of hellos. fear of wasting my pick. fear of failure. fear of imperfection. fear of mistakes. fear of learning. fear of the unknown. fear of firsts. fear of lasts. fear of never agains. fear of CHANGE.


i know deep inside that the strong grip i have had on my stay at home momhood has not been motivated by God's direction as much as lexi's fear. part of me wants to act big and strong--like lexi does to hide--and say, " fear? ha! i don't fear anything. never had. never will." (just typing these words i am crying because of how much i am feeling right now. another thing that lexi doesn't do.)

in this whirlwind of emotions and fears i am forced to relinquish the driver's seat over to my Father. so He can guide me around all these roadblocks in order to follow His detour. because this is a detour. there i was going 70ish on "perfect american family parkway" when i saw the divine orange cones.

no second child. no more dispensable income.
no more perfect american family.

i'm sure that the detour will probably be the more scenic route--isn't it always? but the road is probably going to be bumpier. the ride definately won't be as smooth. will i get to where i need to go? of course. He wouldn't ever get me lost--He's the One who gave me directions out of there before. will i get to where i need to go? yeah, just a different way. is it a better way? probably from His view. Defiately not from mine-- not when i'm going 25 miles an hour on the highway and all i can see is big orange cones.

artistic impressions

aghh, i am so excited!!! i don't have anyone to share my news with right now so i'll just write about it instead. my wonderful aunt just called me and basically said that the company she works for, k&company, is looking for some artists!!! she wants me to put together a portfolio of my stuff for her to hand directly to kay. . .the kay as in k&company!!! this is a terrific company to work for and if i could do the kind of thing that i love everyday and get paid for it--how happy if would be!!! it is such a nervous excitement for me. i mean i don't have a portfolio, i need to put one together and it has to be perfect and . . . oh i am just tickled that someone who works in this business thinks that i would be great for this job! this is the kind of job that my hands were made to do! they give you a box of k's stuff and tell you to create! i so hope that this is in God's plan for my life. . .but

. . . it feels so weird when something good happens anymore. it's like i am looking around for someone poised and ready to crash my hopes. i feel like i've been taught that God works through the dissappointments in our lives. what about the good things? is He able to use those too? i am a little fearful to be excited for this job. is it odd that at a time of opportunity like this i am apprehesive that i won't get the blessing for no other reason than God primarily uses dissappiontments to build charecter?

i think it is the whole too good to be true thing. i just think . . . "boy it is fun to dream but these things never happen to me . . . don't get your hopes up lex". somewhere inside of me this attitude feels wrong. it seems too harsh. if God is the giver of every good gift why do i have this cynical feeling that He is holding out on me?

i pray that i can find the faith to beleive that God has the best possible job just waiting for me, and this may or may not be it. i pray that i can find the faith to leave this in God's hands and not take it into my own.

help me to beleive that, God. my faith is weak. . . that and i just really, really want this job.

growing pains

jaeda had the most terrible night last night. she couldn't get to sleep because of cramps in her legs. the same cramps i remember getting as a child. i never imagined how terrible this scenario would be as a mom because there's really nothing i can do . . . beside give her tylenol and rub her poor little growing body. i remember my mom labeled these terrible nighttime aches-- "growing pains". how i hated them then and how i hate them even worse now! i found myself lying next to poor little j thinking to myself, " now why are babies plauged with these growing pains? what in the world is the point of this, God?".

but it was weird, there was some strange joy in being up with her--comforting her. the past few days have been "bad mommy days" and it was really nice knowing that i was the only one who could do this--be here for her in this way. it's like the last few days she's been excersicing her independence and tonight's growing pains were just the thing i needed to feel close to her again. and with that lesson learned she drifted off to sleep. i tiptoed out of her room and left feeling grateful that God made growing pains so that babies who didn't think they were babies anymore would need their mommies.

as i was rocking her to sleep when she woke up crying again, i was no longer seeing the beauty in my mothering role but was getting a little cranky with it. i mean, come on God. i was a good mommy, sat with her patiently as she screamed for an hour and half. got her settled down and off to sleep--finally. we even had a little mother daughter moment somewhere in there. why couldn't she just have stayed asleep??? why!?! and then i sware just as i began to question God once again on the real nessesity of growing pains--it hit me. just like that.

"so I can comfort you".

just as God had placed jaeda's growing pains on the itinerary for this evening so that she and i could reconnect, He also places nights of growing pains in my life so that Daddy and daughter can reunite. i think sometimes God loves to be approched out of my sheer need for Him.

as i sat with j and watched her squirm and groan and cry and wiggle in a generally uncomfortable and unsatisfied way, i saw myself in alot of that. sometimes--like this week--i find myself in this place spiritually--squirmy and unsatisfied, groaning and uncomfortable. sometimes there is nothing other than growing pains that my frustrations on can be blamed on.

so why does God bother writing these useless growing pains into my life? so that i need Him . . . and so that He, and only He, can be the one to comfort me.

i'm not sure that my words in this post are very clear. in my head it sounds so different--it makes so much more sense. maybe this is entirely too simplistic . . . but to me it is profound.

like a child

what have i done to my daughter? it's like somedays i wake up in the morning to find this unfamiliar little girl living in my house. a little girl with no manners, no patience, no listening skills and no trace of all the things that i try so hard to teach her!!!! today was one of those days! she was just so . ! . so . ? . so obviously three years old. yeah, she was really only acting three today and the honest to God truth of the matter is that it's me who wakes up somedays as an unfamiliar person to her!

i just had the hardest time being a good mommy today--let alone a good person!!! i don't know what my deal was--i wasn't even happy with me. eric was entirely frustrated with me and so was j, as well as my brother. . . i think today was so bad that the list of people i frustrated might even include the lady i glared at in the pharmacy and the guy i was rude to in the dr's office! there really was a little cloud over my head all day long. no joke, i bet it was visible.

i hate days like this as bad as everyone around me does. if i am such a great "controller" why can't i control my attitude on days like this? it was like i was willing myself to stop acting like a 4 year old and i just couldn't--err wouldn't. and i knew i needed to do quiet time but i ran from it all day long. what is up with that? why? why? why?!? i know God can take care of these problems but i insist upon wallowing. why do i wallow? it's not like it feels good! what is my pay-off? i have to get something out of it or i wouldn't do it. and i hate to sound like a broken record but the first thing that comes to me is CONTROL. who would have guessed it. i do feel like i am in control when i am being bitchy to everyone. i can hide all my feelings behind bitchiness and stay safely secluded as long as i want. it's like i am playing hide and go seek and i am supposed to be seeking but decide i'm gonna get all the others by hiding instead. ha! ha! joke's on you--- but it's really on me . . . i suceeded in ruining my day far worse than i suceeded in ruining everyone else's.

i read on an a friend's blog today a quote by erwin mcmanis that said that all attitude problems are really arrogence problems. inthequiet.blogspot.com
so that kinda pissed me off even further. . . it really is like i was 4 today and demonstrating my power by throwing the biggest fit that i could. my goal was to mess up as much as i could--just because. how ridiculously childish! i am embarrassed looking back on me and my immature motives. a lesson i should learn from. i wisely say should . . .because this head is so hard who knows if i really will. i have a feeling that this is not exactly what God meant when He said said we should come to Him like a child . . .

the heart of the matter. . .

so i went to the dr's this morning. i've been having these really strange heart flutters these last two weeks. i was really battling about actually going to the dr's with this. i mean--come on, i am a 23 year old athlete, you know? so i was bound and determined to figure out what was causing this strange abnormality. i was started to think that it was all because of my new running schedule, so i stopped running last wed. then i started to think that it was my new tea drinking habit. i started drinking a cup of english tea in the afternoon (beacuse it feels kinda cool, sitting in a comfy chair drinking tea and it totally curbs my appetite after lunch so i don't snack all afternoon!). so i thought that maybe returning to my previously decaffinated lifestyle would make the symptoms go away. so i quit drinking my tea last wed too. these strange palpitations still did not go away but instead increased! so the whole heart skipping thing was really starting to . . . i don't know . . . bother me. i am a healthy young woman. why in the world would my heart be flip flopping like this for no apparent reason? so i finally went to the dr today.

it's been kinda weird to seriously look at my mortality in this way. i was lying in bed the other night before eric got home from work and my heart started fluttering and it kinda hit me, just then. that my heart is only a thing. . . that can fail at anytime. . . and i am not promised another day. never have any of these things been so real to me. here i am, going about my daily life, worrying about the distant future while totally taking for granted the present. i don't know. . . i know there is probably nothing seriously wrong with me, but physically feeling my heart do something that i know that it's not really supposed to do, is rather startling. they are going to hook me up to this heart monitor thing for 24 hours and see what's going on . . . which makes me feel a whole lot better about my physical heart but as for my emotional heart . . .

i think today i got not only a literal heart check but figurative one too. one that shook up my everyday life and made me ask questions like, what am i doing today that will be remembered forever? what do i do on a daily basis that i can be proud of when i'm gone? if my heart stopped today, what would i have to offer to Jesus? would i be excited to see Him or ashamed?

maybe ( i know) i think too much about things like this but i can't help it (i'm creative!). this whole deal makes me feel so small. as if control isn't an option--like it is normally. what a tough way to learn my lesson! i've talked and talked about how i know in my head that i need to give up my battle to control everything around me but i just can't transfer that wisdom to my heart. maybe this is the way God has chosen to transplant this much needed head knowledge to my heart--literally.